..and so it is.

Finally called it off.

And to the act of desertion, of which no one is to blame entirely for all things to fall apart, I know I had it coming, knew it all to well. I'm not too sure if it'd hit me totally just yet, I am feeling strangely calm and composed, or which at least, I'd expect myself to throw a tantrum, or at least I thought I would feel my heart pumping so hard that it would just literally jump out of my skin. But non of it.

Gosh, one year and I am standing right there to see the bane of it, and yet there is so little I could do to save it. Honestly though, I almost feel like I've shed an unbearable weight off my shoulder, finally being able to catch a breather from the feeling of living on the edge, almost every minute of it. But soon as I've finally said this, I could feel one forging just right about now, slowly creeping onto my shoulder again. I hated the process, it sucked, and it hurts like hell. It's almost like when you feel that you are just about to get out of a dark tunnel and into the light, only to find yourself at the beginning of another one.

Really, I am so afraid to go to bed tonight because I know that as soon as I close my eyes, depression is going to find it's way into me and it's going to plague my entire system the next day. It might have given me nightmares too, or I'd wake up to a train-wreck. I'm not too sure, but I am definitely not anticipating the possibility of waking up in piles of relationship debris, and there is so much to clean up when there's work to be done, when there's life to live on. Ah, there goes again, the process of putting up a fake smile for everyone like life is perfectly beautiful, when in reality I just wished everyone would just fuck the hell out of my face. Perfect.

And so it hurts, and it hurts deeper, and it gets better, and then it gets worst again, but seriously, just how bad can it get? I am yet to find out. But now, I need to keep moving - to just keep moving and leave it behind a little at a time.

All I know, when a heart's broken, carrying on bravely is the easiest thing to do.

After all, it's just another chronicles of a broken Beaker.

...and the Things We Know

They finally sent someone to repair the flush in the toilet at my office that stopped functioning ever since I started working there - which I thought was ironic enough since we are moving into a new office in about a month. But before it got fixed, the only way to flush is to manually turn the valve and let the water fill up every time we had to use the toilet. And having developed the habit of doing so for the past two years, now, even after it has been fixed for almost two weeks, funnily enough, I find myself reaching out trying to turn the valve every single time I use the toilet.

And having said that, does it in some sense justifies how our conscious and subconscious minds interact, and how it sometimes influences our behavior that we are truly not aware of, or is it merely just a end-product of a certain habit that we've adapted. We understood that our mind tends to interpret very different things than our heart does (metaphorically speaking), and most of the time, it sways one subject matter into two very opposite directions, two very contradicting truth. It takes either one to makes sense, one that justifies our reactions, and one that we often give in that reflects our decisions.

It's something like two minds doing thinking on a parallel platform – but specifically ones of opposing qualities that manifests on our actions that is significantly different from what we have in mind. Often we tends to consciously define things practically with our mind, that process of making sense, process of understanding a very complicated equation and we are very good at that. Given there isn’t a definite truth available, we tend to analyze it and settle on one conclusion that we would happily agree to, followed by a by-product of contradicting realization, if that make any sense at all - it happen to all of us.

It still hurts badly, even after five years, every time I am reminded of the incident discovering Mark’s death. And sometimes it can be extremely scary trying to figure out what you didn’t know. We tend to fabricate, from all the information available, the most viable truth so we could once and for all put a question to rest and find a piece of mind. But none of us knew exactly why. There weren’t any signs of if coming, or had it been so subtly eluded it escapes the slightest ignorance, or even if his last words “I’ll probably ring you” could be the sign, I really should really be looking into ironies of all things.

Solving puzzles, one way or another does ratify my experience of both ends. Puzzles deals with missing information from given information, and all the collected missing bits would, in the end, form a complete picture – and we all are truly aware of that, regardless how it’s being solved, there will be a definite answer. While some can get extremely difficult and frustrating, I do find it positively motivating to complete the puzzles, and even if I can’t, I would just put it away because the answer is certainly not going any where.

But dealing with real life problems is a completely different story – that involves all sorts of information darting in from all sorts of scenarios and it really isn’t funny when it’s one of those that don’t have a definite answer. And it made me wonder endlessly into chains of thoughts, even to the core of all things that seemed related, but still, I couldn’t make sense of it all – just how strangely everything played out. As much as I understand that no matter how deep I try to figure it out, there won’t be a definite answer, I find myself, subconsciously playing things out in the back of my head interminably, trying to think it over and over again, my mind reasoning my doubts, and my heart contradicts the facts – until it hurts so bad that the last option available is to give in and let it fade as time passes.

Too often, this is where I fail when my mind gives in – most of the time I let my heart win, when all the frustration is kicking in and finding answers to no avail. But honestly, I don’t think it’s such a bad idea. Isn’t it what people say, always listen to your heart, - which I find that amazingly true. If you listen closely, you heart can tell you everything that you needed to know, and it drives you to do the most extraordinary unthinkable things, but there is also the risk of getting everything completely wrong.

And right now I am at the point where I could no longer tell right or wrong apart, everything seemed to have sunk into murky water, when truth doesn’t matter anymore. And so I waited, aimlessly pondering into the night, doing absolutely nothing but hoping time would eventually clear thing up for me. I had to stop. It's getting far too complicated. Yet it seems so simple.