Far Out

....The temperature tonight is only 9 Degrees. Im in studio now and it's freezing my butt of....WHat happened...

I Need To Be Happy.... PT4 > Suicide

Mum called today, she was upset, then she made me upset. Felt like I have been living in shadows of doubt whole my life. No one trusted me anyway..I felt like everything that I do is being talked about, is being critisized. Maybe I'm insecure. Suicide. No Joke. It has been ages since this idea came across my mind. I was an unhappy kid, all I think about is taking my life away.. but as I grew up, maybe I'm happier... and the idea just never appeared again. But today, when I hung up all I think of was to die. I want to die. Call me stupid, call me dumb, call me irrational but I find it really hard to live my life. I have been in a serious state of mood swings lately and I just dont want to live anymore.. Maybe I'm weak... all I think of is die when I have problems, couldnt help it. I hate. I hate myself and I hate everyone around me and I want to die, so that people who loved me but doubted me will feel the pain. I want them to dwell in regret for causing my death. Fuck them all. I am selfish. I want to live my life, but people around me wouldnt let me. Alternative, I kill them all. Screw it.

It would be really great to just leave everything behind ... right now,

But I am a coward. I am too afraid to take my own life away. Somebody please do it for me...

Kill me.


Current song playing : Bad Religion - Empire Strikes First.

Life in a NUTSHELL....

Life, in a nutshell is that "it goes on...". I couldnt help but notice just how many people on my MSN Messenger list that their nickname has the word "Life". e.g. "life is short...enjoy life", "Life is boring", "LiFe-Is-A-NoN-StOp-EvEnt", "We will live, we will get through this life in GLORY!" . But what is Life, why is life so hard? There are way too many questions about life that I wish I had the answers too, but if I have the key to everything to me, what is left for me to explore?

There are people who know very little about life, who sees life at the surface, at the most basic level of all things. I call this people SHALLOW. Shallow people basically sees the surface to all thing. What's underneath is left unseen, unexplored, unknown to them. I hate these kind of people but it is not fair to categorize nor it is not my place to judge but I cant help but feel sorry for these people. Of course, I often buy things that are visually pleasing, i.e. the surface but should I categorize myself as shallow. The categorizing technique should not be applied then, but then should you said that I bias toward myself? Then there are people who sees life on its neccessary level which I would say I am one of these people. I guess I know life well enough to survive in this world, being able to understand the homogenaility of all things, being able to understand the reason to many things, which sometimes doesn't make sense. Then there are people who know too much, way too much about life. I call this hollow. Not to say that these people are hollow, its just that those people know too much about life where I, personally find them in a scenario where there are nothing left in this world to be explored.

Life is uncertain, we all know that. Things are always changing. I dont know what to expect on whats coming because sometimes, something can be expected to happen. But most of the times, things come unexpected. That is where all the problems came from, because too often I predict, I expect things to happen, and when things doesnt turn out to be expected, it will basically fuck the system up. I remembered reading an interview of Shirley Manson (Garbage's front woman) and she said that life is uncertain, that one should not try to predict what will happen, but there is one thing for sure, one thing that we can expect is trouble. Trouble will come looking for us, like it or not it is beyond our control. I guess many people understand the reason behind this saying. It is not hard to understand it too, but how often do we use this as a solution to a problem. I dont, though I tried to. Everytime I came to face with a problem, all I do is moan and complain about it, but I never really actually calm myself down and use the trouble-comes-our-way as a logical way to solve problems. At the end of the day, I ended up getting upset, ended up smoking more cigarettes that I usually do, trying to find an answer to why is this happening to me.

In a nutshell, Life goes on. Life is not a question because there is no certain answer, Life is not a statement because it varies to every single person. It is a term, so that we could moan and yell about our daily happenings, something that we could blame on when things went wrong (i.e. "Life sux"), something to be grateful when things seemed to go our way (i.e. Wow, life is beautiful"). It is just a word. Without this word, I wouldnt be able to write all of the above, without this world, daily conversations become less interesting. Life is a paradox to everything.

I guess we do not live so that we could understand the meaning of life, instead we live so that we could come to an understanding and accepting the fact that life itself is an annoymous term.

At least, this is what I think... I dont know...

The Ignorant

Feels good when Fan get annoyed..Muaahahha

2005 Asian Party @ METROPOLITAN, High St.>15 Apr 05

Fanny I feel sorry for you.........-.-". I dont know it'll turn out this nasty..



Tommy, Rei & Me



Tommy, Me & Rei.



Rei, Winnie, Tommy & Me. BTW, Sorry about my expression.. it's nasty nasty nasty

Self Expressive of Expressionless

CREDIT: Photo Courtesy of F。j】

O H M Y G O D ! ! !

WINNIE 啊!!!!!!

你是我的女神!!!!!!!!

你最妙!!!!!!!!


CREDIT: Photo Courtesy of F。j】,taken with Winnie's Sony T1

Love is Painful

Love is Painful

It has been seven years really
My world crumbles again this time around
It's all coming back to me now
Thought I see us in heaven
For the first time ever I saw your face
I knew this is yet another time
I'd Lost within the endless mirrors
searches for an answer to nothing
I find myself struggle into your world
Yet the door shuts before I reach
There is something about you
that I shouldnt have approached
because now I am addicted
and giving up is the end of the world
like a dagger staggering in my heart
my blood freezes before it leaks from my skin

I cant feel you,
I never have,
I was always alone.

Tryin to succumb my desires
The more I give in
The harder it is to bear
I dont want to hate
But sometimes I cant help myself
...You look so fine
I want to break your heart

Sometimes.

Your taking over me
It cause me too much pain to Love you
I dont want it to be another seven years
It's too painful.



P.S. I'm just expressing myself ok

I Need To Be ....Happy PT 3 > Home

Perhaps one of the reason that I am not happy with my life is the idea of "Home". Not perhaps, but in fact it is one of the main reason. In my first entry, I talked about my situation with my aunty that I am currently living with. Today, something sorta happened, well it started last night really but yeah, I dont wanna go through what happened. But to sum things up, is that I am living with people who actually dont trust me at all.

What's home to me now, I am basically homeless. The place I dwell in is basically just a box for shelter, for safety, but it doesnt give me the feeling of home at all. Everyday, I woke up as early as possible so that I could get out of the place as soon as possible. I dispised looking at their faces in the morning. Then everynight, it feels like a drag to even leave the studio and take the bus home. I don't want to go back to that house, if I had a choice. Everyday I come to face my aunt and uncle, everyday I had to swallow the looks they spit on me. I felt like I am inhuman. All they think about me are bad things, that I am spending money out there, that I do drugs, that I showed my Mum a fake academic records, that I wag classes, that I mix with the bad crowd, basically anything that you can think of. Just because I had to stay at studio and get things done, just because I had to stay overnight sometimes to work on my design.....and there they get ideas that I am doing something bad out there. I am so sick of the dramas they are giving me. I don't have a car, and it'd be such a trouble to carry things home by bus. My bus ride home take half an hour for fucks sake and I'd have to carry my tool box and folders down Albert Park and up Victoria Street. Who'd do that??. Even if I do, they'd complain too much that I mess the house up with all the drawings and models. I mean "WHAT THE FUCK", now you tell me that I mess up the house, but if I stay at studio to get my works done, you say I am doing bad things out there. What's worst is that they preach me more that my parents do. They basically have comments on everything that I do, and that I had to follow basically everything that they do. If they wake up at 7 in the morning, Id have to wake up too, if they eat, Id have to eat too, if they watch TV, then I will have to sit down and watch with them as well. WTF? When I'm home, I mean my home, I can do anything I like. If i want to sleep, then I'll sleep, if i want to watch TV then I'll watch, and if I dont feel like eating, I'll tell my mum that I dont want to eat. Its as simple as that. But not here though. I mean of course I understand that I am living with someone else, which is not my parents so I will have to follow other people's house rules but I did, its's just that I hope that I could have a little freedom to what my body tells me to, like sleeping and eating. Of course I wouldnt mess up the room with cloths like I usually do at home, of course I will tidy my bed every morning when I wake up, which usually I wont when I'm at home. BUT all I wanted is my own little freedom. I am almost 21 years old. I am almost a MAN, in just few more days and I just want freedom like everyone else. A 21 year old dont get preached, no, at least not by other people. Its reasonable that my parents preach me around, but not by outsiders. What is going on. I dont understand anymore. Things just gets worst everyday. The more I live in that house, the more depressed I am. Probably that is why I spend my time in studio most of the time. Because I studio feels more like home to me, though it is not even close to a home. At least there's noone to preach me around. The incident happened about a year ago with them really breaks my heart. Its the first time ever, I mean first time EVER I broke down crying talking to my Mum. I just cant take what they said anymore and I have no one to talk to at that time so my Mum is the only one I can talk to but I always portray a strong, independent image to my Mum, so I must've freaked her out when I finally broke down to her. I dont know if anyone could understand my feelings but living under one roof with people who dispised you, who dont trust you is just sad. My mum always ask me to forget everything that they said, just bear with them for another few more years, but I dont even know if I could do that. Its getting harder and harder each day and it's getting more and more depressing each day. Sometimes I just wish Ive never come here so that I wouldnt have to go through all these. I had to remind myself, everyday over and over again that life is hard, but its beautiful, so that I could move on each day but I find it really tiring. I wonder if I dont do this for one day, what would it be.

I am now in NZ, and I'm probably going to spend another few years here and it bothers me so much just beacuse of them. I guess things will be better when I move out, perhaps, and then I'll be happy again.

It's time to open up the memories of your past,
and it's time to move on,
It's time to open up the shadows of your heart,
and it's time to move on,
Cause it's a great time to love,
and it's a great time to stand up and be counted,
And it's a long long road to carry on,
I gotta stand up to be counted on,
and it's a long long road,
now I got to be strong.
............Stand Up, The Feelers, Playground Battle

100 Things You Should Know About Me (Part 1)

1. was borned in Miri on 26th April 1984, studied in SRB St Joseph, SMB St. Joseph, went to NZ, studied in Westlake boys High School, currently at University of Auckland, School Of Architecture.

2. I am an Architect-in-the-making.

3. I love my family

4. I love my friends

5. I miss my life in Miri so bad that I could cry

6. I puff a pack of cigarette a day

7. I am a heavy coke drinker.

8. I always wonder when I'll die. I wish I never had to do medical check up for Visa so I'll never have to find out when I'll die

9. I am a loner.

10. I love listening to music and the thing is I cant live without listening to music

11. I love watching reality shows -.-"

12. I love driving

13. I love branded stuff. Currently, I love stuff from Energie.

14. I am obsessed with the way i look,well, not really,

15. But then I never looked good

16. I am emotionally fucked up

17. I am a gadget go-er

18. I dont like being preached

19. I have the tendency to always take the long routes instead of shortcuts

20. I get annoyed when my friends take their fucking cool cellphone out and start playin with it non stop. THAT IS JUST ANNOYING

21. I bite my fingernails furiously when im nervous

22. I love taking mornin bus to skool though i rarely take a mornin bus =.="""

23. My favourite car is Toyota Rav4

24. I am facinated by black and white photogrpahs

25. I don't believe in god.

26. My mIrc nick name was stjoeboy. (Which was rather embarassing)

27. My cs nick is Tien Ci Lai and pOk Pok Tiu (Which was rather lame)

28. I am a member of [4-BsKs], know as [4-BsKs]eD though the clan is not longer active.

29. Me and gang formed a clan called nyKc to go agains 13am. We lost.

30. My favourite city in the world is New York

31. I hope I could visit New York 5 years from now.

32. I never slept with a prostitute.

33. I have thougt of calling a female escorts but never actually do it.

34. I own a Gucci shades but thats not the most expensive things that i've bought.

35. I daydream a lot. I MEAN A LOTTTTTTT!

36. I love jioing my friends.

37. I am uncomfortable around strangers.

38. I suffer from ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder).

39. I love to draw eyes.

40. I hate washing cars.

41. My favourite movie is Dangerous MInds (WAtched it like hundreds times on VHS)

42. I watched day after tomorrow 5 times in the cinema and 10 times on Dvd. Everyone thinks im crazy.

43. I tell lies.

44. I would love to have my own laptop

45. I own 2 Spice Girls Albums

46. I am a proud owner of a 15giga Gen3 iPod.

47. I prefer to sleep nude than having anything on.

48. I hate going to city (Auckland) on Friday and Saturday nights.

49. I am not facinated by modified cars, in fact i am annoyed when its cruisin on the road like a god damn muther fucking idiot (sorry adrian)

50. I love Lebbeus Wood's drawing, and I think his theory is pretty interesting

Beautiful

I'm actually quite sick looking at beautiful people in this world. It's bullshit afterall.

I Need To Be ....Happy Pt 2 > Cracked

This is a follow up entry to my earlier post called I Need To Be ... Happy. I called it Cracked because I actually felt something today, something emotional that I haven been able to feel in the past few weeks, other than the numbness and hollowness, I actually felt myself crack. Life has been going in different paces recently, and today, I actually felt a sudden rush of things into my head and I couldnt take it, hence it cracked.

It has been a hectic day today in studio. I dont know what's so hectic about it, probably I did not sleep the night before and it affects my mood in some way I guess but seeing our crowded studio makes me sick. And with the strong morning-noon sun striking inhumanly into the workspace I occupy made the situation worst. I have no idea what happened today, everything just felt wrong. The atmosphere in the studio is weird, people are giving me faces that made me uncomfortable (But yeah, I think I am giving people bad faces too).

Chaos

Until this afternoon at 2, we (Fan and Win and Me) went to see Diane Brand for the course Deletion procedures and it turned out really bad. She actually got fed up with us and we are told off by her, sort of. Well the thing is that things, since this year almost never go smoothly. I enrolled in the wrong paper because of my greed of a stupid uselss 1-point model making paper and now I had no choice, to either to Withraw it or Fail it. THe results is going to be the same anyway, that I still have to pay 1500 NZD + 50 NZD procedures fees, and get nothing out of it. I dont know what I have gotten myself into. I shouldve know my abilities before doing something that will get me into shit. Ah yeah and BTW, since Diane wouldnt help us with the Late deletion procedures, we had to look for Johnson for help. Winnie and Fanny still thinks that probably by talking to Johnson, we could get away with a C- but I dont know, I dont think we could get away with it that easily. You see people upstairs have been working on the models for ages, day and night and now we just walk in to Johnson, one day before the due date of the exhibition, asking for help. I personally think this is absurd, but then thanks to the courage of Win and Fan, Johnson said he would help, but yet I dont really trust him, so there really isnt a "certain" that we could get a point for it. But either way, I just go with Win and Fan till the end, because WE* have no choice. Things just arnt as easy.

Thats what happened today. I doesnt seemed much of a big deal to me really, I mean screw it if I have to pay, it's my own fault anyway, but I dont know why I crack, maybe because it was really chaotic in the studio. You see we went to see Diane, then Johnson, the this one is asking me to do this and that one is asking me to do that, the weather is killing me, the atmosphere is getting on me, the people starts to annoy me. And I literally felt myself out of breath and I finally cracked. I ran outside hoping to get some breath, but I ended up in Level 2 toilet stalls shedding fer drops of tears. I have no idea why this happened, and all I could felt is that my head is heavy and I need to get out of the crowd at some point because I knew something is going to happenen to me. And when I finally got out of the studio, just outside the door, where there was less people, more quiet, i found myself breathing again, the it hits me. I sat in the toilet stall tryin to work out what happened to me. Today, isnt really a big deal and I have had something worst than today but it just seemed to do it today. Probably because I am dealin with a lot of emotional problems recently and today is just a cracking point for all of this.

As I am writing this blog, I am as hollow and numb again as I was before. I dont know what to do now, all I did was to follow my daily routine hoping that it would at least keep me going for the moment. My life is so screwed right now I have no idea what is going on with mysellf, tried to make an effort to deal with it, but just doesnt seemed to be right. Things doesnt seemed to work out and I dont even know where and what is going wrong, and I dont even know if there'e anything that I could do to fix my unhappy state.

I just hope that the state I'm in now wouldnt go on forever. Perhaps one day I will wake up and realize its just a long dream and that I am still on the walk of life, perhaps one day I still wake up to hollowness, emptiness, or perhaps one day I will wake up to a post-mortem life.

Uncertainties are inevitable.

I just want to be..happy again


Certain things turn ugly when you think too hard
And nagging little thoughts change into things you can't turn off
Everything you think you know baby
Is wrong

It's all over but the crying
Fade to black I'm sick of trying
Took too much and now I'm done
It's all over but the crying

... It's All Over But The Crying, Garbage, Bleed Like Me

-end-

Talking Cock

The following MSN chat takes place on 4th April 2005

*WARNING - OFFENSIVE LANGUAGE - Proceed at your own risk. *



I just though it's funny how much shits and craps we can talk. Doesnt make sense, doesnt make sense!

Mecha_Paradigms>02

Experimental Renderings for D5_Hysteria















Images Rendered by [N.I.A] Nigel_L, with VIZ 2004 on 4TH April 2005

Declare Yourself // 2

I posted the Christina Aguilera Declare Yourself poster few days ago and now I've got some more pictures from the US Declare Yourself Voting Programn. Kool Shit.

www.declareyourself.com







Photos by David Lachapelle

More Pics at www.declareyourself.com

The Truth @ www.thetruth.com

Find The Truth @ www.thetruth.com

Shit - It is a non-stop event

Well today I planned to go home at 10.30 pm to get some sleep, but something happened, so I though I'd take the 11.30 pm bus. Around 11.08 pm, I realize again, I forgot to bring my door key again! BUT it's better this time because I'm still in the city, but I missed my last bust home so I had to wait till 1 am so that I can take the Late Night bus service. Honestly I am not angry at myself that I forgot the keys, instead, i find myself surrender to my luck. I dont believe in 'LUCKS' but then I guess after what had happened, I cannot help but lettin myself surrender...

02 Apr > Happy Birthday to Zara.

Zara texted me asking me if I wanted to have dinner at Mexican cafe tomorrow, which I agreed. So I went there today and LOL i totally forgot that it's Zara's 21st Birthday and therefore Happy 21st Birthday Bi#ch! LOL. Well yea, had dinner with Zara, Philo and Irena, we had a good time drinkin and get totally wasted. I had lots of Illusion, lol which was new on the menu (wasnt in the menu when I went there last year) and after Balcony incident, I had a very good impression on Illusion. HE HE. Yeah, then we went to Magharitas, but then the atmosphere there is kinda weird, and it stinks in there,so we decided to have a walk on Queen since we're so wasted, we need to sober up so Philo could drive home safely. But yeah it has been a long time since I get to drink this much. So I had a great time.

..chronicles of "I Really need to be ..Happy" >02

Music>Sin City Original Soundtrack (Score)

[ S I N C I T Y > O r i g i n a l S o u n d t r a c k - S c o r e ]

Robert Rodriguez (Composer), John Debney (Composer), Graeme Revell (Composer)

Track Listings
1. Sin City
2. One Hour to Go
3. Goldie's Dead
4. Marv
5. Bury the Hatchet
6. Old Town Girls
7. Hard Goodbye
8. Cardinal Sin
9. Her Name Is Goldie
10. Dwight
11. Old Town
12. Deadly Little Miho
13. Warrior Woman
14. Tar Pit
15. Jackie Boy's Head
16. Big Fat Kill
17. Nancy
18. Prison Cell
19. Absurd -
20. Kiss of Death

This is perhaps one of the most heartly done movie soundtrack that I've heard so far. Though I have not seen the movie, but the songs is awesome. What's disappointing about this OST is that the song in the first trailer isnt listed in this album. BTW, that song is called Cells by an UK band called The Servant (Instrumental version though). This song is absolutely stunning!!!!. This song is in The Servant's new self-titled album. However, however, the instrumental version of Cell will only be heard in the Sin City trailer (Not in the OST, not in the Movie itself) and they are not planning (at least for now) to realease an official Instrumental Version. But, I believe people out there has had edited an Instrumental version and it should be available through out the web LOL. But either way, this is a good album and I am looking forward to watch this movie

P.S: Thanks to Rei for the Sin City score, your always our best music resource. So sweet in my heart

Who Said Wot!??

Nigel: Do you want me to let you in that you can pee and I'll meet you in there?

Fanny: No it's alright,I can do it later. I can just pee and load my shit at the same timee

-.-""

Declare Yourself

Declare Yourself> Only You Can Silence Yourself