Finally called it off.
And to the act of desertion, of which no one is to blame entirely for all things to fall apart, I know I had it coming, knew it all to well. I'm not too sure if it'd hit me totally just yet, I am feeling strangely calm and composed, or which at least, I'd expect myself to throw a tantrum, or at least I thought I would feel my heart pumping so hard that it would just literally jump out of my skin. But non of it.
Gosh, one year and I am standing right there to see the bane of it, and yet there is so little I could do to save it. Honestly though, I almost feel like I've shed an unbearable weight off my shoulder, finally being able to catch a breather from the feeling of living on the edge, almost every minute of it. But soon as I've finally said this, I could feel one forging just right about now, slowly creeping onto my shoulder again. I hated the process, it sucked, and it hurts like hell. It's almost like when you feel that you are just about to get out of a dark tunnel and into the light, only to find yourself at the beginning of another one.
Really, I am so afraid to go to bed tonight because I know that as soon as I close my eyes, depression is going to find it's way into me and it's going to plague my entire system the next day. It might have given me nightmares too, or I'd wake up to a train-wreck. I'm not too sure, but I am definitely not anticipating the possibility of waking up in piles of relationship debris, and there is so much to clean up when there's work to be done, when there's life to live on. Ah, there goes again, the process of putting up a fake smile for everyone like life is perfectly beautiful, when in reality I just wished everyone would just fuck the hell out of my face. Perfect.
And so it hurts, and it hurts deeper, and it gets better, and then it gets worst again, but seriously, just how bad can it get? I am yet to find out. But now, I need to keep moving - to just keep moving and leave it behind a little at a time.
All I know, when a heart's broken, carrying on bravely is the easiest thing to do.
After all, it's just another chronicles of a broken Beaker.
And to the act of desertion, of which no one is to blame entirely for all things to fall apart, I know I had it coming, knew it all to well. I'm not too sure if it'd hit me totally just yet, I am feeling strangely calm and composed, or which at least, I'd expect myself to throw a tantrum, or at least I thought I would feel my heart pumping so hard that it would just literally jump out of my skin. But non of it.
Gosh, one year and I am standing right there to see the bane of it, and yet there is so little I could do to save it. Honestly though, I almost feel like I've shed an unbearable weight off my shoulder, finally being able to catch a breather from the feeling of living on the edge, almost every minute of it. But soon as I've finally said this, I could feel one forging just right about now, slowly creeping onto my shoulder again. I hated the process, it sucked, and it hurts like hell. It's almost like when you feel that you are just about to get out of a dark tunnel and into the light, only to find yourself at the beginning of another one.
Really, I am so afraid to go to bed tonight because I know that as soon as I close my eyes, depression is going to find it's way into me and it's going to plague my entire system the next day. It might have given me nightmares too, or I'd wake up to a train-wreck. I'm not too sure, but I am definitely not anticipating the possibility of waking up in piles of relationship debris, and there is so much to clean up when there's work to be done, when there's life to live on. Ah, there goes again, the process of putting up a fake smile for everyone like life is perfectly beautiful, when in reality I just wished everyone would just fuck the hell out of my face. Perfect.
And so it hurts, and it hurts deeper, and it gets better, and then it gets worst again, but seriously, just how bad can it get? I am yet to find out. But now, I need to keep moving - to just keep moving and leave it behind a little at a time.
All I know, when a heart's broken, carrying on bravely is the easiest thing to do.
After all, it's just another chronicles of a broken Beaker.
4 comments:
:/
Hey. It can get pretty bad at first. I was really a train wreck. I've experienced it. But don't worry it will get better and eventually you will forget it. It didn't take me that long to move on. Try to keep friends close by and let them help you. You dont have to pretend. Don't worry you'll be ok. I know it sounds easy, but believe me it will be ok soon.
what happened?
a broken heart can never be mended, so just pretend it is or else what can you do to it? break it harder? in to more pieces? Take Care my friend !!!
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