'Till Da Next Time

Rei just posted a very touching message for me on her blog Komm, Susser Tod_ . Thanks man!

Alien: Have a safe trip back home and remember to wake up for exams!

F-追: Design 7, 8, 9, 10 A++++ and don't grief too much

Went out with Sajeev and Rei to do a little bit of catching up before I left Auckland. Then met Norman and his GF in the same cinema watching Fun With Dick And Jane.

I actually felt pretty low. I don't even know why.

Might and Might Not

I am leaving AKL but I am not sure if I am coming back.

Probably will, probably not.

I might come back to study, I might not.

I might come back to attend graduation, I might not.

I might get a job here, I might not.

Decisions will be made when I'm back to Malaysia.

Either Way,

You guys have a place in my heart.

Talk To The Hand

It's unusual for me to take the Free-Bus because a) I don't like squeezing in that bus when it’s packed and b) the bus can stink like hell sometimes and it made me sick. Well, today is unusual, because I find myself standing at the bus stop waiting for the bus to arrive. I have to add that I was terribly exhausted and my legs were hurting so I can’t be fucked to walk up the park to Uni.

As I waited, a couple emerged from the Britomart Station. The girlfriend was walking rather fast and the guy is catching up, mumbling something to her.

"Talk to the hand," She said. Not shouting but loud enough to catch my attention.

"Come on baby" Begged the boyfriend.

"TALK TO THE HAND!" She said, still walking, increasing the pitch with each word.

The boyfriend said something again. I did not catch what he was saying

"I SAID TALK TO THE HAND." She stopped and turned.

The boyfriend stopped his track and looked back at the girlfriend. She was looking across the street, with her hand up in the air, palms spread out, pointing in the boyfriend's direction.

Silence.

"WELL, HELLO HAND," The boyfriend finally spoke up, literally talking to the hand, instead of the girlfriend.

"PLEASE TELL YOUR OWNER SHE IS A FUCKING USELESS MORON," At this time, everyone around the bus stop was looking at them.

"WHAT DID YOU JUST CALL ME???" She asked in a very angry tone.

The boyfriend turned around, his back facing the girlfriend.

"TALK TO THE HAND..."

He disappeared into the Britomart Station.

2006 Up and Coming

Flight 93


Release Date (US): 28 April 2006
Director: Paul Greengrass
Starring: J. J. Johnson, Gary Commock, Polly Adams, Opal Alladin

From the acclaimed director of The Bourne Supremacy and Bloody Sunday, Paul Greengrass's latest movie, Flight 93 will be the first movie in history to reenact the September 11 massacre; United Airlines Flight 93 was the fourth hijacked plane on September 11.

"Flight 93" recreates the doomed trip in actual time, from takeoff to hijacking to the realization by those onboard that their plane was part of a coordinated attack unfolding on the ground beneath them. The film attempts to understand the abject fear and courageous decisions of those who-over the course of just 90 minutes-transformed from a random assembly of disconnected strangers into bonded allies who confronted an unthinkable situation."

World Trade Center


Release Date: August, 2006
Director: Oliver Stone
Starring: Nicolas Cage, Michael Peña, Maria Bello, Maggie Gyllenhaal, Jay Hernandez

Another September 11 related movie from Academy Award-winnig director Oliver Stone. WTC tells the story of two Port Authority policemen - John McLoughlin and Will Jimeno who survived after being trapped in the rubble of WTC on 9/11.

As much as I want to watch this, I don't like Nicholas Cage.......shit.

Departed


Release Date: TBA 2006
Director: Martin Scorsese
Starring: Leonardo DiCaprio, Matt Damon, Jack Nicholson, Mark Wahlberg

The western adaptation of Infernal Affairs.


Final Destination 3


Release Date: February 10 2006 (US)
Director: James Wong
Starring: Ryan Merriman, Mary Elizabeth Winstead, Kris Lemche, Alex Johnson

Final Destination still remains one of my favourite indie-thriller movie and no matter how bad it is, I am still going to watch this.

The Numb Vagina

I'm still suffering from my depression and the psycologist is still away for holidays so there's really nothing I can do but to wait it out hoping that I will get better. Here's something fun to lighten up myself... I guess it didn't work.

I am the numb Vagina...

Hui Yen Lim's Aliases

Your movie star name: Mimi Lim

Your fashion designer name is Hui Germany

Your socialite name is Lakia Berlin

Your fly girl / guy name is H Lim

Your detective name is Dog St Joseph

Your barfly name is Nothing Vodka

Your soap opera name is Yen Chupa Lu

Your rock star name is M&ms Car

Your star wars name is Huicib Limdes

Your punk rock band name is The Numb Vagina

The Amazing Meganame Generator

You Are 80% Weird

You're more than quirky, you're downright strange. But you're also strangely compelling, like a cult leader.

How Weird Are You?

It's Not Supposed To Be Easy

I am feeling: I cannot feel anything

Me: Hello uncle, I will have to go back to Malaysia in less than two weeks.

Uncle: What, why?

Me: I had to go back.

5 seconds....silence

Uncle: Why don't you come over tomorrow for dinner and we will sit down and talk over it?

Shit....



I honestly cannot think of a single word to describe my feelings right now. Angry? Maybe. Numb? Yeah. So there you go, I made my decision and there goes the big pile of shit thrown in my face. So I guess it's not supposed to be easy.

I don't know what had gotten to me today, when I was on the train on my way back to the city from Manukau, I started crying. My tears just flows down so naturally I cant even control it. Then somebody came and saw me.

He had the "Should I go over and ask him is he alright or should I just pretend I didn't see him" kind of look on his face.

"I'm fine" I said.

He gave me a smile and went on with his business

Maybe because I was on the train? I always have this melancholic emotion when going on train. It always gave me the idea of leaving, you know, leaving a place or leaving something behind. Actually it was Sam who taught me to read events as premonition. Like maybe my crying on a train is actually seeing myself leaving something that was important to me. That idea scares me. I tried to analyze it and I can only come up with one thing. Death. I have been thinking about that word lately. It's not that I see dead people, but I am constantly thinking about dying. The chances that I am going to commit suicide? NON, but I won't deny that the thought of it had crossed my mind many times but I am nowhere near of commiting it. People said commiting suicide is the most selfish act that anyone could perform. I agree to that but who cares, once you are dead, it's not your problem anymore. Hell you don't even have to feel guilty for being selfish right.

No matter what the excuses are for commiting suicide, it's a mean of escape not an answer but for me, I don't want an answer because it hurts and I would love nothing more than a great escape from my life. If it happen to be an optimist-reader out there, I bet you'd think that I am crazy and my problem is not worth commiting suicide but I don't think anyone at all could understand my pain. It's not just one single problem that I am having here. I am talking about one big pile of shit staking up since I don't know when and I can almost feel that I am going to snap.

I really want nothing more that someone, just one person who could understand how I feel and trust me. I could almost imagine myself drowing and reaching for help and only to realize there is no one out there to answer my call. I don't want to fight anymore. I've given myself to darkness.

Everytime I make a decison there is going to be somebody pointing fingers at me, judging my choices and questioning my intentions. I am so sick of this that I have lost all my faith in myself. I don't trust my own judgement anymore and I start to question my every intention. I start to question my place in this world. I start to question everything that I do. Every single thing. Does anyone have any idea how hard is it to live a life when the only person you can rely on; YOURSELF turns it's back on you? This is exactly how I felt. Like some body sucked up my soul and left my flesh empty with nothing. Nothing but emptiness. Words can't describe. It's not numb, it's beyond that, like I've lost all my senses, lost all my inner-self and what you see is what you get. A living flesh with nothing inside.

I really want to be happy but I don't know how.

I really wanted to get over this storm so I could look back and say "Yes I have stood in the pain of cold" but I don't see the black clouds clearing soon.


Song of the Post - Set Yourself on Fire - Stars

An Open Letter to the New Zealand Immigration Service.

Dear New Zealand Immigration Service,

I am really fed up with the service that you have been providing so far.

First of all, I dont pay NZD 70 every year for nothing. You processing has always been clumsy and irresponsible to the customer.

Second, I am not happy with your opening hours. With all the applications that you get everyday, you should be working your ass off considering those visas and not closing early. For instance, your brach at Manukau closes at 3p.m. every Wednesday is a joke. I took and hour and a half bus there for nothing.

Third, please, fire all you current in-call operators and put some effort in hiring and training people that are good at it. I have been calling a few times with differen operators answering my call, and each of them have provided different sets of answers to me question. Do you know how frustrating that could get?

And finally, please don't change your application rules everyday, put your time to something else please. It's just irritating because today you'll be saying apply through mail, then tomorrow you'd announce you can now apply through your uni, then day after tomorrow you'd say the fee has changed. I am pretty sure you have something better to do than changing your regulations on a regular basis.

Song for the post: Hung Up - Madonna

[Beaker] 2005 >> The Year of Chocholate Cake with Cow Dung Topping

This post has been in my draft for quite a while now and I was going to post it during New Year’s day but never got to finish it and as far as I could remember, it has been a long long time since I posted anything at all about my life, mainly because I haven't been inspired lately and beyond that my life is just dreadfully boring so I'd rather not write about it really. But afterall, the whole idea of a blog is really, a place for you to whine and brag about how miserable your life is, and yes I am going to do that now, and hopefully this is going to be my longest post to date, I hope although there really isn’t much thing to write about but I guess I'd like to do that once in a while to remind myself how fucked up I am.

So, the thing that I really want to write about is the year of 2005, pretty much like a review of my life in, mostly events that happened in 2005 that had effects upon my life, big or small and some new year's resolution (does anyone actually believe in New Year resolution anymore?). Well speaking of 2005, it has been a pretty fucked up year I suppose and there really is a lot to whine about but I'm not into reporting every single detail of it simply because it is going to take me ages and most of it are not that interesting really. 2005 has been a awfully shitty year for me with some twists of amazingly good times, to name a few, my depression has gotten a lot worst up to a point where I had to see a psychologist, which frankly it doesn't help one bit.


You see, I don't know why I always think my life sucked because sometimes it ain’t that bad but I guess the truth is that it really sucked. Up to this point of my life at the age of 21 turning 22 in matter of 4 months, I honestly had no idea what I want for myself. I have no serious plans for myself because every single plan that I had will seem to completely turn itself into a rathole. All I know is that I wanted to graduate and make lots of money. It's pretty naive I know but if any of you are actually living my life, you'd probably see where I'm coming from. My life hasn't been all great. Living with my aunts for almost 5 years is a joke. I'm surprised that I haven't go berserk. There are several times that I did went a little crazy with all the fuss that my aunts are giving me but I guess one person could only take that much before they snap and I'm pretty sure that will happen pretty soon if I continue living under the same roof with them. So my plan is really to graduate and get myself a job with reasonable pay that'd allow me to get a place myself.




2005 also saw me getting closer to a lot of people mostly in Architecture, closer almost like family, people which I can rely on and who have been there through my ups and downs. I guess that's the only reason why I felt so reluctant to leave the school. I am going to miss these people awful lot and it's depressing just to think about parting ways. Also I can say I've met the most amazing people in 2005 (not to mention some nasty people too), and these people actually taught me a lot about myself and more or less changed how I perceive this world. And so with this opportunity, I'd really like to thank those people (you know who you are) for being there for me and share my joy and burdens. I wouldn't have made it through 3 years in this school without you guys and also sorry for having to put up with my attitude. Two of my friends left Auckland; one is Ally, a very good friend of mine who went to Wellington to pursue her dreams in Industrial Design and Brian who went back to the Canada (for good). Ally has been one of my closest friends in Auckland, someone I could share all my problems with without being judged in any way. I have managed to meet up with her in Wellington in July when I went there and then; I realized that how much I missed her. I thought maybe it'd be awkward to see her after like few months and I was actually worried that we've got nothing to say to each other but once we sat down at the bar we just started talking like good ol times and that feeling was really great. Brian was another friend that I missed tremendously. Someone who have been there most part of my life in NZ and had helped me through some pretty rough times.



Being in architecture and my over-obsession with design has paid off well; I was awarded two prizes on 2005 Annual Prize Giving Ceremony for my result in Design 6. I also won the 2005 AAA Cavalier Bremworth Design Awards together with few other winners. It was really an amazing experience. Having recognition for the works that I've done is more that anything I'd wished for and it is truly a blessing that I didn't expect. But please don’t get me wrong. I’m definitely not trying to be hoity-toity here, I just felt that I need to mention this because this is the only good thing that had happened to me so far. But of course, the good old saying, good things always come with a price and I have to pay for the prize. My over-obsession is getting to me. It's almost irritating and my life basically revolves around design. I am basically swooned with all the sleepless nights and over dose of coffee and No-Doze. Other than design, I don't know what else to do. Also it's giving me a severe depression and I can't seem to do anything to help it. I tried to do other stuff but I just wouldn’t distract me. All I think of is design this and that and it's giving me a headache. It's almost like Leonardo DeCaprio in the Aviator. His obsession with taking the world with his airline has turned him into a mad man. The only difference between us is that I haven't gone mad and seriously I am very worried that one day I'll go out of my mind.



And there goes the love question. Does anyone actually talk about love anymore because it seemed like such a cliché topic to talk about these days and it's probably the least likely topic that I will ever post and I think this is only as much as I'm going to write about my love life. Well I think I have fallen in love. Maybe not. I'm just not sure. You know those scenarios in movies where two people got together purely because they are sick and tired of being lonely and in the end they just end up breaking up because it really isn’t what they wanted. Maybe that is how I feel now, maybe because I am lonely and needed someone, but then I have this strong attraction towards this person right now and it's making me uncomfortable. I hate being in love with somebody knowing that I wont have them. The last time I felt something for somebody was a hell of a nightmare. I don't really know how to describe the feeling. It's like a bad addiction that you so want to quit but never seemed to be able to. And then it's a huge distraction really that keeps you from doing anything at all. My mind would just wonder to somewhere where I'd be with that person and it's gross. And the truth is I don't know if I am capable of loving someone fully. I’m a little bit similar to Narcissus, someone who is emotionally numb but I am definitely no narcissist becauseI hate myself so much that I wished I am somebody else. But I really am envious of my friend Garret and his long time girl-friend. I have seen him courting the girl to them being together. It is really such a blessing that two person that should be together be together. But anyway, my point being I really envy those good old loving couples because I don't think I can ever love someone fully. My relationship last year was a mess and since then I am totally fed up, and I boy did I HUNG UP!. But anyway, just because Christmas, and the weeks following it , I have been totally confounded it this unfamiliar feelings, and it’s driving me crazy. I really don't know how to handle this. I certainly hate rejections, but neither I am ready for a commitment, hell I can't even take care of my own needs. I can't do this anymore.


In the year of 2005, I also saw myself standing on the biggest cross-road of my life, like what I have said on my last post about making decisions. Looking at the cross roads, there weren’t many choices for me but each of them are tempting, each of them are life-changing choices that no matter what I decide, there will be consequences. It’s either that I live my life in shadows of regret or I end up hurting somebody else. I often felt conflicted with myself and constantly find myself in dilemma. I don't know why. It is actually getting harder and harder for me to make decisions because I'd be saying this one minute and thinking about the other thing the next minute.

Well if there’s anything that I've learnt thus far, it was indeed just one. 2005 saw me taking extreme, blatant actions, I took up upon the challenge to take a walk in the dark. It was one of my darkest and scariest experiences ever in my life and I’m glad that no one ever had to find out because it was nothing to be proud of. That few weeks had been a torture like a macabre ghost stories, the shadow of doubts followed everywhere I go under the light, and the ghost would hunt me when the night falls. For better or worse, I stumbled and fell, picked myself up with several lost bits of my inner-self along the way, picked up some new knowledge to fill in the missing pieces, and a layer a new skin. I have learnt great deal of lesson, with a sacrifice. Back then, I can’t stop blaming myself for what I have done and that it should be my last time, I should have know better but in retrospect, without the lesson, I would never know when to stop. So I am glad I did.

So there was my 2005. Am I looking forward to what 2006 had to offer? Not really. My intuitive heart told me that 2006 is not going to be sweet. Plus I always felt that 2006 sounds kinda awkward. It’s like somewhere between a borderline and a threshold. I just want to live past 2006 with perhaps less trouble, less thing to occupy my mind and to improve myself. Either way, I am as ready as ever to improvise what lies in front of me. I guess the whole idea of a new year is something for you to start over or maybe a time for a change. But seriously I have no idea what is there for me to start over or change. Every year, I'd swear to god that I'm going to do this and that but it just never happened. It's is just me that can't keep up with a commitment or what I don't know.




Au revior


Soundtrack of the post: Live Forever - Oasis

Please note most photos are from Alien. I can't remember which and which.

[Beaker_Film] The Official Top 10 Movies of 2005

No.1 Murderball


Heart-breaking story, good soundtrack, a documentary, very captivating and it inspires me.

No.2 Crash


"Moving at the speed of light, we are bound to collide with each other"
A racial-issue-in-your-face movie. It just shows how pathetic this could be.

No.3 Mysterios Skin


This is probably the best movie out of all 2005's Auckland Film Festival's movie.

No.4 King Kong


No.5 Sin City


No.6 Batman Begins


No.7 Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe


No.8 Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire


No.9 Red Eye


No.10 Pride And Prejudice

[Beaker Thoughts] Counfounded Fool

How often do we get a chance to make a decision from choices available without having to squeeze out every ounce of brainjuice thinking what if, what if, and how often do we get the chance of not hurting anyone (including ourselves) because of the choices we make, and how often when we come to a cross-road and just having the moments of capre diem and just go the way our heart tells us to? For me, it doesn't seem to happen very often. It always occur to me that whenever I need to make a decision, big or small there is always obstacles or other fussy things that keeps me from deciding. It's like when I have made up my mind about this, then there is some other temptations telling me to switch plans, or when I am pretty sure I'm going to do this, the some shit came up and got me analyzing the situation again.

Now I am the kind of person that over-analyze thing, every single detail, every single possibilities and I am really sick of it. Often if not always, I found myself got drown in a chain of never ending thoughts that got me to nowhere, and that never help me making a decision only to make the matter worst.

Also when come the time to decide, I always find myself procrastinating, I don't know why. Maybe I am afraid that the choices that I've made would cause me regrets, or maybe I am trying to avoid making a decision so nobody get hurts. There is always going to be something involve in the process what somehow blind me from seeing what is the most important thing that I should consider.

So it got me thinking, really thinking, how do we know the choices we make are the right ones? I'd be glad if someone could kindly provide the answer to this question but I guess probably no one could. And so yes I have heard the word from the wise, like every decisions or choices that we make will have impacts upon over life regardless how it changes it, but it is always important to learn from it, good or bad. I see. But what if, there are time you need to make really important decisions that might turn you life upside down, only to realize it after the decision has been made, there is not turning back? Well sometimes we need to make difficult choices. Says who?

Somehow I always have the tendecy to think that if I don't make the decision or wait it out, things will eventually work out anyway anyhow. I don't know. I cannot live all my life avoiding making decisions. If not now, ten years later, there might be something bigger than this that needs my attention. I am sick of feeling guilty that every decision that I have made will eventually hurt somebody. I am all fed up with all the pleasing that I have been doing all this while. But of course who know myself better than I am, all of this bull crap I'll-do-something-about-it ranting is only for now,I just thought I need to release some sort of injustice in me. Comes tomorrow, I'll forget all about what I've set myself up and start worrying about making decisions again.

Fuck, I hate feeling like a wuss, but at the same time I kinda can't help it. I tends to get all jittery.

Lets just hope that everything will work out just fine.

Soundtrack of the post: Fuck Forever - Babyshambles

Chronicles of a Broken Beaker

[Music] Rufus Wainwright

Artist: Rufus Wainwright
Origin: Rhinebeck, New York, USA
Genre: singer/songwriter, alternative pop/rock, baroque pop, Popera (Pop Opera)
Discgraphy:
Rufus Wainwright (1998, DreamWorks)
Poses (2001, DreamWorks)
Want One (2003, DreamWorks)
Want Two (2004, DreamWorks/Geffen)

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[Music] Madonna - Confessions on a Dance Floor (2005)

Album: Confessions on a Dance Floor
Artist: Madonna
Release Date: 11 November 2005
Label: Warner Bros.
Producer(s): Madonna, Stuart Price, Mirwais Ahmadzaï, Bloodshy & Avant, Bagge & Peer
Photography: Steven Klein
Art Direction and Graphic Design: Giovanni Bianco

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