Where do all this shits come from..?

I just dont get it, I dont get it why shit keep fallin down on me this year. I just checked on my nDeva enrolment that the Uni have had deleted all my first semester paper just because I refused to pay the Self Study paper. I dont know why are they doing this and if shit does have to go all the way, I would propaply have to give up 1st Sem. I dont know what heppend? fuck, this year has been really bad for me. I dont believe in good years and bad years but shit, why is this kind of stuff happen to me.

Drama King

You Are a Drama Princess (or Prince)

(You are more dramatic than 50% of the population.) You're not over the top dramatic, but you have your moments. You know how to steal the spotlight... And how to act out to get your way. People around you know that you're good for a laugh. But at times, your drama gets a bit too much for everyone. Tone it down a tad, and you'll still be the center of attention.

Are You a Drama Queen (or King)?

You Are 20% Extrovert, 80% Introvert

You Are 20% Extrovert, 80% Introvert

You are quite reserved You aren't afraid of social situations... But you very much prefer to go it alone And why not? You're your own best friend!

Are You An Extrovert or An Introvert?

I am bored therefore I am

This is the 25 Most Played Songs in my iPod.

Music Review> Interpol - Antics (2004)

Interpol - Antics [2004]

Interpol's follow up album to 2002's Turn On The Bright Lights. Not as impressive as Turn On The Bright Lights, the music is good but not as original as the first album but still, it is listed as one of 2004's Top Album. And definetly one of my all time favourite.

Favourite Tracks: Evil, Slow Hands, Narc, A Time to be so Small, Public Pervert, Next Exit

Music Review> Interpol - Turn On The Bright Lights (2003)

Currently listening to Interpol's 2003's debut album, Turn On The Bright Lights and I thought it's brilliant. This is definetly an apocalyptic rock for the new millenium! Beautifully dark masterpiece. Churning guitar melodies and perfect vocals to match the music, this is just good stuff.

Favourite Tracks: Untitled, Obstacle 1, Hands Away, Obstacle 2, Say Hello To The Angels, Leit Erikson.

I need to be....Happy

Its been a really strange year (2005) so far. Since I got back here (Auckland), I don't know if I've been truly happy. I keep telling myself that I am, and that I just need to stop feeling sorry for myself. But is this really the case? There are alot of stresses in my life right now. Uni is hectic, I'm worried that I'd be way too behind if I still don't come up with something good. Things just doesnt seems to fascinate me anymore. I felt like I've lose interest in all things, that I am too numb to actually feel anything. You see I am constantly aware of my achievement I had last year and that this year I lose the energy to do work and it makes me feel like what I did this year isnt up to last year's standard and that makes me really stressed up. It's not that I am afraid of fallin down from a high ground to a low ground, it's just that I wanted to be good at what I have interest in and that I wanted to push myself so that I could be better than I was, that I want push myself to the edge. But now I felt that I've gone backwards instead, and if I push myself harder, I'd just crack. I really need to crack down, especially with this being the final year of BAS. Sleep is something that I just can't get enough of, but I have a reallly hard time getting enough of it.

At home, everythings just isnt right. My aunt couldnt understand why I had to stay at Uni all the time and honestly, part of the reason is that I don't want to go home but the main reason is that I had works to do at uni. They always gave me a look in disgust as if I was doing something bad outside, but HELLO!!?? I mean what can I do out here? Geezzzz... I just hope that they would just trust me and leave me to do what I am doing because I do know what I am doing. Man, I am going to turn 21 in less than one month and I seriously do not need somebody (other than my parents) to preach me around. That makes me sick. Then there are all the stresses along with the relationships with friends or Uni mates and someone I thought is my so called significant other...things isnt as simple as it seems and I dont know how long I could take this before I crack. I dont even know if I can trust anyone here. Its not that I dont want to, in fact I've tried hard to trust people around me but everytime I find myself having a circle of trust, shit happens and there I lose my trust and faith again. I'm finding it really hard... You see. I tried to make a fool out of myself in Uni when friends are around so that I could be happy, I talk to everyone I know, I tried to do stuff at Uni yadda yadda but in the end I just ended up feelin hollow.It's like putting up a mask everyday, and the more I do it the more upset I am with myself. Its not that I dont want to talk to anyone, its not that I dont wanna make a fool out of myself so that others could laugh, its just that I wish it couldve be more comfortable with it.It does make me happy but it doesnt last long. I felt alone again when everyone's gone. Sometimes when I'm alone and start to look at my own life, I was like "geez..what am I doing with my life," you know. Sometimes I just want to pack it all up and head home, back to Miri where life is simple. Where friends are true. Where there are less stuff to handle, but hey, its the ugly reality. I have to be a man and face it now cuz I'll have to face it anyway someday.

Well you see, I live in a big city (well considered big compared to my home town), yet I feel all alone. I just dont get it. I always think that I am a loner, I am used to being alone and I love it but I just don't get it. When I said I am used to being lonely I meant that I dont mind being alone and I actually enjoy spending time alone with myself, but hey, whats up with me. No body wants to be alone and sometimes I just cant help but to feel lonely deep inside my heart. I felt so isolated. Why do I feel like I just don't belong?. I used to have my niche, I used to love partying, I used to love hangin out. But it just doesnt seems to happen at all this year. All I did this year is dwellin in my little black world and doing stuff that doesnt make sense. I find it really hard to open up myself here.

Growing up is havin some strange effects on me, and I'm finally realizing that I'm not 18 anymore.. and that maybe I should stop living like it. Quit living in the glory days where it didnt really matter, as long as good time was had and no one got hurt. Maybe I need to take matters more seriously. Maybe I should stop being like an asshole. And maybe too, I should take people's feelings into account too.

The other thing is that I can't remember the last time that I did something for me. Did something that I really wanted to do, with someone that I really wanted to do it with. There are things that I think I want to do but they turn out to be hollow, and leave me with this feeling of emptiness. It just seems that I'm tryin to fill this void in my life with different things, and I just cant find anything that would do it. I bought myself new branded stuff so I could feel happy, I went out lunch or dinner with friends just so that I could hang out...but that lasted for only for about an hour.

I don't know, perhaps I'm dwelling in my unhappy state, but really, I dont think I am. I just want to be happy again. I just don't know how to shake this feeling I've got, that I felt that the whole world is about to collapse on me again, I dont know.. I find myself questioning everything that I did, I find myself questioning the meaning of life, questioning every possible thing that I could think of. I dont know why but I wish I could've be more happy, be more open and be more comfortable with myself but I find it hard to change the state I am now though I really wanted to. I think I need a break from something, but I dont know what it is, perhaps it's not even a break that I needed, I think I need something that could fill in the void in my life, that could answer my questions but not all questions has an answer. Life is a subjective matter anyway.....Anyway.. I just wanna life my life without so much restrictions, without worries...I just wanna be happy again. Very soon. Hopefully.

Stoopid Stunts

Sweet Sleep zzzz@ Studio

The Annoying Thing

Staircase Idiots

Hallooooo -.-"

Dont.......

Diao Drawing

The Peak of my Fucked Up Life

I have always been a fucked up person, in many many fucking ways, but no matter how fucked up I was before, nothing is comparable to the fucked-up-ness that just happened to fuck me real good, just a few hours ago; and hence the over dramatization of the post title. No shit.

It all began innocently at about 10 p.m. when Rei and I decided to call it a day and leave the studio so both of us could go home and get some rest - well; because I haven't been getting any sleep since the night before, and I needed to go home so that my Aunt could see my face before she start asking any advanced questions about what kind of drugs I have been using these days. I'm partially kidding, she's crazy like that. I bid Rei goodbye and headed towards my bus station, and about an hour of bus ride later, I sighed a relief as I got off the bus - finally, time to sleep. It's that crucial. Except for the sound of my own footsteps, and the occasional rustles of leaves, the 10 minutes walk home, was quiet, and cold. Calm even. I arrived at the front porch, greeted by bright motion-sensor spotlight, always happy to see me as I reach into my bag, and molested the interior. Silent.

The air seemed colder now. Silent. The missing sound of clinging keys.

Shit. Oh shit.

I left my house key in the studio.

My aunt and her family sleep early, and they wake up early, and that is probably why they think that what I do, always home late, skipping my sleep is almost like committing sin that demand confessing. They think I am weird as much as I think they are very very weird. Isn't that weird? Truth be told, I was afraid to get any of them up from their sleep to unlock the door for me. I hesitated. I called my cousin's name hoping that would wake him up but his snoring is louder than I'm willing to raise my voice and wake him up. We have neighbors, you know. After half an hour of hesitation, I decided to ring my aunt's cellphone. I couldn't have been happier, or luckier I should say, because she picked up the phone after a few rings. When I say I'm lucky, I really meant it. My battery went dead as soon as I heard her hello-ing into the phone. I knocked on the door, knowing she's awake. Nothing. So I hesitated again, and decided I'm not going knock anymore, because I just don't want to wake them up, that, and because I'm a wuss.

Plan B:

I'm just going to fucking walk to Takapuna and take a cab back to the city (it's 11:50pm by that time and the bus services has stopped-and it's Good Friday, so less bus services) and the only thing that I could do is to walk to Takapuna hopefully to ride on a cab back to studio. But its not easy. To walk to Takapuna from my house takes approx. 50 mins (I know because this is not the first time, the first time was I hailed a bus but the god damn driver did not notice me- it was 10 pm so I had to walk to Taka to get other busses to city), but anyway yeah, I though I've done it before so I'll do it again this time. But seriously I dont know if there's any cabs at Taka. So I walked and walked,when Im just few meters away from Taka, the rain start to pour. I thought fine, this is all fucked up so I'll just walk in the rain to get the situation more fucked.

Then when I finally reached Taka, God is really playin   either I wait there at Taka till the mornin comes or I called a cab. I have the cab number but, then again, i only have 2 twenty cents coins in my hand and whats shitty is that there is not payphones that have the coins slots. It's all cards, what's up with these people geez........

I walked and walked and walked, for almost another half an hour, a car stoped beside me, a cab. I told the driver that I need to go to Uni, right, when I reached uni, the driver tryin to rip me off by asking me to pay 40 bucks. I literally asked him to fuck off and I payed him the usual amount to or from north shore which is 26NZD. I reached studio exactly 2 in the morning. See i spent almost 2 hours wondering in Takapuna in my teeshite and it's wet. Can you imagine how cold I am.

See how fucked up it is? I was gonna go home to get some sleep and I ended up in studio not getting any sleep now. It's 5 in the morning! and its the third day that I haven been sleeping.

This proves many things, one is how fucked up my life is. Second, how wussy I am when I'm back to my aunt's house, 3rd is that I am a fucked up person and I believe I will always be fucked up in the future. and the fourth point, though not related, is that please that small eyed korean-abo-look-alike chick go to hell.

Oh dear, I guess I'll go to sleep now. On the carpet.

Studio's my only shelter!

Metaphor> Ignorants

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Gilbert Gorski>Random Access Memory

Etching, 17.8x22.2cm, 1998

Who said What>Gorski

"Our moment will be marked by the sweep of thecnology; it rivals the same event historians have labelled the "Industrial Revolution". At that time, it was man and machine in league to conquer nature. Now, in our age, it is technology, tempting to change nature. Nature begot Man, Man begot Technology, each and elemental force. I dont pretend to be able to predict their evolving relationship, however, I sense a future that holds equally important possibilities for hope and despair."

-Gilbert Gorski-

Sweet Inside Your Heart.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ =^ ^=

Today is a very sweet day because Fanny brought some Easter eggs for us in the studio so that we can sweet inside out heart!! I sould go to Newmarket too so that i could get them something sweet inside their heart. ^^

The Promise

I broke a promise to myself, I guess its just how things are. See who would've expect things like this to happen, and the thing is the more your trying to avoid, the less you think about it when it happens, it hits you like an earthquake.