The Son in Queue

One very very reason why I listen to songs, all kinds of songs is that sometimes a song can leave such a profound mark in your life, that very unique but remote connection that is ever so mysterious. For instance, a certain songs can represent a certain period of my life, or a certain experience that I have been through, and for some reason, I find the idea calming because it is always comforting to know, out there, someone writing these songs, have the same experience, and that is why it is such a powerful medium. Through the lyrics, the remote connection became vital, and inevitably became a part of my life. And one of the song that have a magic of this kind on me is Simple Plan's Perfect. It's not the band that I like, and it's certainly not the kind of music that I dig, but it's ever so straight-forward and honest lyrics and the desperation and the anger in this song that moved me.

And here, I am going to admit for the first time the no holds barred relationship of me and my father. Since I was young, I never really recall any good memories about me and my father doing things together like a father and son should and even if there are any, those memories are vague. I remembered my father used to teach me how to draw and that was the only thing that I can clearly recall. I dont know what went wrong really, but my father and I never had a good relationship like other people. I mean it's not terribly awful like he'd hit me or anything like that, but it wasn't all that great either. There was one time, last year, my father was really mad at me because I crashed his car. He was yelling at me and slammed the metal door, in my face and luckily it didn't hit me. That was the closest thing to violence he'd done to me, and that was the first time too I saw him totally lost it. It was scary and I was realy upset because -- it was an accident that I crashed his car. That is why people call it accident. I ignored him for a couple of days and I guess he realize that he'd gone over the board on that matter, but he never said anything about it, not that I expected it anyway.

Over the years, I have noticed that we drift apart and the rift between us is beyond repair but I never really want to admit this to myself although the thought has been haunting me for the past few years. My father, in my perception is nothing more than a father, period. I have never thought of him as a friend, as much as I would like to, it just never happened. He potrayed an image that intimidates me, almost scary. He never really literally taught me anything, other than homeworks and I learn by imitating what he does. We don't talk about unnecessary things. We do not converse about our daily lives. I could sit in the car the entire ride without even uttering a single word to him vice versa. I remembered in my secondary school years, my father used to pick me up from school every afternoon, and often the ride was filled with silence.

You know what saddens me the most is that his actions made me feel ignored. For instance, his relationship with my sister. Am I jealous? I guess I can't be bothered to, although I wish I had that kind of connection with my father. I remembered reading some article from Reader's Digest about family relationships. A father usually favours daughter while a mother usually favours son. I guess that saying does apply in some level on the surface of my relationship with my father because my brother too is not that close to my father. And I said it applies on the surface because with my sister, it's a totally different story. You see, my father never really listens to what I have to say. Whenever I tired to have a decent conversation with him, he either never took it seriously by ignoring me or gave me a shortest answer he could, and that really leave me with nothing to continue the conversation. With my sister, my father seemed to be very interested in everything she said. The things they talked about during dinner would probably be equal to the total amount to time i attempted to talk to my dad in a week. And time after time, I have come to a conclusion that this is the way it should be because it has always been like this. I guess my father never realizes that I felt this way, or maybe he knew but choose to ignore it. Either way, I could no longer care but I am not going to deny the fact that it bothers me.

You know, what actually inspired me to write about this was actually something I noticed at the dinner table last night and it put me off ever so strongly. It happenes all the time, but last night was like a snap to reality, I could no longer ignore the feeling, and I can no longer bring myself to look away. Last night, usual dinner time, my mother would finish first and that left me, my father and my sister. At that point my dad was talking to my sister about how the car should be repainted, about the latest buffet deals Park City is offering, you know topics that I never see my father and I would ever talk about. But anyway, when my sister was done with her meal, my father just stood up and went to the kitchen and came back with more rice in his plate, then asked if I wanted more. That was the only thing he said the entire meal, and that's when I realize I could no longer bring myself to ignore the one thing that has bothered me for so long. The person I sought for affection, that person I soungt for approval, and that person I sought for love; my father.

Hey Dad look at me
Think back and talk to me
Did I grow up according to plan?
And do you think I’m wasting my time
Doing things I wanna do?
But it hurts when you
Disapprove all along

And now I try hard to make it
I just want to make you proud
I’m never gonna be good enough for you
I can’t pretend that I’m alright
And you can’t change me

‘Cuz we lost it all
Nothing lasts forever
I’m sorry I can’t be Perfect
Now it’s just too late
And we can’t go back
I’m sorry I can’t be Perfect

I try not to think
About the pain I feel inside
Did you know you used to be my hero?
All the days you spent with me
Now seem so far away
And it feels like you don’t care anymore

Nothing’s gonna change
The things that you said
Nothing’s gonna make this right again
Please don’t turn your back
I can’t believe it’s hard
Just to talk to you
But you don’t understand

Simple Plan - Perfect