The World Doesn't Revolve Around You.

There are a few things I desperately need to get off my chest before I even let it slip.

People can hate me for many reasons, and in fact it’s not that hard to hate me, mainly because I am not a very approachable person, or maybe I have a very bad temper, or even maybe I have a rather serious mood swings, oh wait maybe because I hate you for being an inconsiderate, shallow and selfish dickhead. Or maybe people can hate me because I can blow it in your face if any of you annoyed me so bad – because I am not that kind of person that is easily annoyed unless you step on the right button. Damn, because my patience bomb just blew up and it’s not pretty.

Well, the thing is, you all know me, or should I put it this way, people who know me long enough will know what kind of person I am. I am the kind of person who likes to take control over every thing that goes on in MY life. No, I will not control your life; I am just protective of my own. You treat me well – You will have a place in my heart. You treat me bad – You’ll never be seen again. It’s just the way it is for me.

I am a very sensitive person, and with VERY, I mean I can be more sensitive than your optical mouse – and yes I let every little things that people do directly or indirectly get to me, but usually very little of these little things ever really bother me because I can get past it rather quickly. But there are a certain things that I cannot tolerate and once it’s done, - it’s done. I am not handling out flyers about how to be my friend but sometimes I just wished that they knew better - no matter how close we are as friends, there has to be a degree of tolerance one can handle, and I think it’s safe for me to say I can tolerate a lot of things but when it happen – again and again it just took me in and changes everything, my trust, my respect – everything. It’s just never going to be the same again.

Fact is, the world doesn’t revolve around me, and it shouldn’t revolve around any of you either. And for that, don’t ever for one second; think that you are superior than any other just because you think you are - out there in the real world, you are nothing more than a mere little soul with so much insecurity that you have to take it on other people.

I can’t be fucked to elaborate all the shitty things that happened to me. All I wanted to say is – if there’s anything I’ve learnt thus far, it’s this; I cannot control how I feel. I cannot control what is going happen to me, and I cannot control all the situations that arise. I cannot control the lurid thoughts and doubts that people had on me, I cannot control anything in situations imposed by other people on me. No, I cannot control my life – not matter how hard I try to take things into my own hands. It doesn’t work this way.

And yet – I can control my thoughts. I control what and who my life contains, although sometimes I misjudge, but often I don’t. I can control how I tolerate misgivings – to a certain degree, or what I can do to get past. I can decide what truly matters and let go of the rest.

It’s funny how I always manage to convince myself to ignore these things. Maybe because I cared too much, and it ended up hurting me the most – and that is why I could never go back like nothing happened, fearing that it’s going to repeat itself. Maybe I was protective of myself, or maybe I just didn’t want to lose a friend – but it just never stops – it happened over and over again – I tried to maneuver past this but I couldn’t, and I don’t know how many time I have done it – but at the end it swallowed me whole. And now I am sitting here, not trying to make a point, but reflecting on what has been hard and awful to me, just letting it all out.

This time, I’m for real.

And I feel good about it.

Because life is just too short to not hate.