I need to be....Happy

Its been a really strange year (2005) so far. Since I got back here (Auckland), I don't know if I've been truly happy. I keep telling myself that I am, and that I just need to stop feeling sorry for myself. But is this really the case? There are alot of stresses in my life right now. Uni is hectic, I'm worried that I'd be way too behind if I still don't come up with something good. Things just doesnt seems to fascinate me anymore. I felt like I've lose interest in all things, that I am too numb to actually feel anything. You see I am constantly aware of my achievement I had last year and that this year I lose the energy to do work and it makes me feel like what I did this year isnt up to last year's standard and that makes me really stressed up. It's not that I am afraid of fallin down from a high ground to a low ground, it's just that I wanted to be good at what I have interest in and that I wanted to push myself so that I could be better than I was, that I want push myself to the edge. But now I felt that I've gone backwards instead, and if I push myself harder, I'd just crack. I really need to crack down, especially with this being the final year of BAS. Sleep is something that I just can't get enough of, but I have a reallly hard time getting enough of it.

At home, everythings just isnt right. My aunt couldnt understand why I had to stay at Uni all the time and honestly, part of the reason is that I don't want to go home but the main reason is that I had works to do at uni. They always gave me a look in disgust as if I was doing something bad outside, but HELLO!!?? I mean what can I do out here? Geezzzz... I just hope that they would just trust me and leave me to do what I am doing because I do know what I am doing. Man, I am going to turn 21 in less than one month and I seriously do not need somebody (other than my parents) to preach me around. That makes me sick. Then there are all the stresses along with the relationships with friends or Uni mates and someone I thought is my so called significant other...things isnt as simple as it seems and I dont know how long I could take this before I crack. I dont even know if I can trust anyone here. Its not that I dont want to, in fact I've tried hard to trust people around me but everytime I find myself having a circle of trust, shit happens and there I lose my trust and faith again. I'm finding it really hard... You see. I tried to make a fool out of myself in Uni when friends are around so that I could be happy, I talk to everyone I know, I tried to do stuff at Uni yadda yadda but in the end I just ended up feelin hollow.It's like putting up a mask everyday, and the more I do it the more upset I am with myself. Its not that I dont want to talk to anyone, its not that I dont wanna make a fool out of myself so that others could laugh, its just that I wish it couldve be more comfortable with it.It does make me happy but it doesnt last long. I felt alone again when everyone's gone. Sometimes when I'm alone and start to look at my own life, I was like "geez..what am I doing with my life," you know. Sometimes I just want to pack it all up and head home, back to Miri where life is simple. Where friends are true. Where there are less stuff to handle, but hey, its the ugly reality. I have to be a man and face it now cuz I'll have to face it anyway someday.

Well you see, I live in a big city (well considered big compared to my home town), yet I feel all alone. I just dont get it. I always think that I am a loner, I am used to being alone and I love it but I just don't get it. When I said I am used to being lonely I meant that I dont mind being alone and I actually enjoy spending time alone with myself, but hey, whats up with me. No body wants to be alone and sometimes I just cant help but to feel lonely deep inside my heart. I felt so isolated. Why do I feel like I just don't belong?. I used to have my niche, I used to love partying, I used to love hangin out. But it just doesnt seems to happen at all this year. All I did this year is dwellin in my little black world and doing stuff that doesnt make sense. I find it really hard to open up myself here.

Growing up is havin some strange effects on me, and I'm finally realizing that I'm not 18 anymore.. and that maybe I should stop living like it. Quit living in the glory days where it didnt really matter, as long as good time was had and no one got hurt. Maybe I need to take matters more seriously. Maybe I should stop being like an asshole. And maybe too, I should take people's feelings into account too.

The other thing is that I can't remember the last time that I did something for me. Did something that I really wanted to do, with someone that I really wanted to do it with. There are things that I think I want to do but they turn out to be hollow, and leave me with this feeling of emptiness. It just seems that I'm tryin to fill this void in my life with different things, and I just cant find anything that would do it. I bought myself new branded stuff so I could feel happy, I went out lunch or dinner with friends just so that I could hang out...but that lasted for only for about an hour.

I don't know, perhaps I'm dwelling in my unhappy state, but really, I dont think I am. I just want to be happy again. I just don't know how to shake this feeling I've got, that I felt that the whole world is about to collapse on me again, I dont know.. I find myself questioning everything that I did, I find myself questioning the meaning of life, questioning every possible thing that I could think of. I dont know why but I wish I could've be more happy, be more open and be more comfortable with myself but I find it hard to change the state I am now though I really wanted to. I think I need a break from something, but I dont know what it is, perhaps it's not even a break that I needed, I think I need something that could fill in the void in my life, that could answer my questions but not all questions has an answer. Life is a subjective matter anyway.....Anyway.. I just wanna life my life without so much restrictions, without worries...I just wanna be happy again. Very soon. Hopefully.