A Fleeting Beauty

And so I ran, I ran like rats, moving forward, maneuver into the darkness, falling down, getting up again. Slipping and sliding. Afraid to look back over my shoulder, fearing I’d see the past haunting me, grinning that grin, and watching me with those red eyes. The trick, I heard, is to move forward, swift and steady, just move forward, don't stop, don't stare. And this is what I believed.

I awoke abruptly from the noise of the blinds hitting the wall without mercy. I slowly crept out of the bed and closed the window. The ticking clock sitting on the nightstand told me it’s 4 in the morning. I have been out for almost 2 hours. I went back to bed but I could not fall asleep. My mind is calm and the room is silent except for the sound of vehicle rustling outside and the soothing noise of rainfalls hitting the solid ground. I closed my eyes but my mind wouldn’t shut. I stare into darkness, I listen to silence and my mind is calm, for the very first time since I got back, a few weeks earlier even. Things had happened so fast and so unsympathetically left me out of breath, left me with no time to ponder, no where to fall, no where to pick myself up, hard and firm, befuddled, almost unimaginable. Bad things happened, just like that, right in my face. And now, I wished this calmness would never have to end, but I knew I only had few hours before my fear rose like the burning sun that would wipe away the dream that I had stopped fighting for, like a kiss of death, a moment of solitude is the moment of my demise.

Exactly one year ago, today, 5th May, I got my first degree in Architectural field. It was a big day for me I supposed. Up until now, I still find it fascinating, the graduation, everything about it. People say it’s a milestone. The progression, was excruciatingly memorable, a journey of my life thus far, a shorted version, but action packed nevertheless, only the goods one got the cuts. It feels like, everything, in my 22 years of life just came rushing back at me with each step I took , almost too overwhelming for my head to register and beyond the grasp of my mind. Mostly, it was fear doing it’s trick, fear taking control of me, fear of doing the wrong thing, as much as I knew that it's the point where it ends, and indication of a something new to come, and I feared, knowing my curiosity is perking above my forehead, hoping to find the slightest clue to what is coming onto me. I realize, despite the sudden discontent, it was the first time, and the only time I am so willingly let my subconscious drives me, let my ego off guard. I was proud.

Walking the walk, as the crowd went dissembled to receive flowers and cheers from families and friends, as the progression got closer to it’s destination, I began to lose direction, bothered by the people who cheered on the streets, these cheers, were like those they gave the enemy. Everywhere, I see people who looked at me with my own eyes, who spoke to me with my own voice, who greeted me with the same mistrust with which I greeted them. I looked across my shoulder and found my family cheering for me. The smile on my aunt’s face that I have despised for years suddenly seemed strangely alienated. The smile, seemed like a devil’s grin and it haunts me. My gazed, however was fixed on my dad. He was the only person there that I cared; no matter how much I hated to admit this. I found myself subconsciously scrutinizing his every facial movement, hoping to find a sheer joy, and it was in his smile, subtly reassuring, and that’s the only thing that I needed. Reassurance. But his eyes hinted a sadder story, between the brief smiles, I could see little pieces of sadness. It was something that had not been there, something that I didn’t expect to find in those eyes that I have seen almost my entire life. It was then I realize just how much it had hurt him for not being able to put me thorough the five year course, It was at that moment I understood, and I realize just how much he cared.



I knew there were people who are genuinely happy for me, that I am moving onto something new, that I had chosen another path, instead of staying. These faces that I have seen literally on a daily basis, day and night, at worst, at best, through trials and tribulations, for 3 years are like a piece of immaculate carving, permanently marked onto my heart. Their eyes, when I look inside, I find warmth and comfort, I find a place I recognize, their words, were like beats of rhythm, again and again chanting in my mind, a soft whisper, life has its own rhythm, sometimes fast, sometimes slow, and at other time, it’s just right. It’s all about stepping along the right beats.And, I probably had taken a step ahead of the rhythm, after all, the only regrets I had is knowing that I am unable to reach the other side with everyone who I have fought together. I crossed too early, fell too hard.

It was weird; the whole experience was mind bogglingly scary. This, was probably an opportunity of a lifetime, the only time where I could feel proud about myself alter all these years of reckless fighting, all these years of mishaps. A war I have brought upon myself, and had fought hard. I knew, at the back of my heart that I am able to walk out of the place and end the battle. But the battle would only be fought again. Again and again until the will to fight is vanished. The only way to end this completely was to realize that it wasn’t about winning or losing the war, it was reconciliation, with me, coming into terms with my own fears, and inevitably, I have.

As much as I’ve come to hate it, as much as I have spent my time dwelling in my regrets, it was a fleeting beauty – the first step to an endless road. An interlude to my life, followed by unknown future. Life in all it’s orderly dimensions, like the rhythm that beats. These beats, will scatter, and it will resonates, like the everlasting wish to discover the lamp what will light the path of my future.

And so I ran, I ran like rats, moving forward, maneuver into the darkness, falling down, getting up again. Slipping and sliding. Afraid to look back over my shoulder, fearing I’d see the past haunting me, grinning that grin, and watching me with those red eyes. The trick, I learnt, however, in order to look forward, I need to look back. The past contains traces of my existence, and it’s the only thing that could fuel my courage to move ahead. Without the past, it would be the bane of my existence.

A personal shout out to a dear friend of mine over at Auckland, Miss Diu who will be graduating in just a few days. Man, I am so excited for you. Congratulations and all the best in your future. I wish I could've been there to witness you don your cap but either way, best wishes from me and welcome to the real world, though I am pretty sure you've already met our new pal, Misery :).