I Need To Be ....Happy PT 3 > Home

Perhaps one of the reason that I am not happy with my life is the idea of "Home". Not perhaps, but in fact it is one of the main reason. In my first entry, I talked about my situation with my aunty that I am currently living with. Today, something sorta happened, well it started last night really but yeah, I dont wanna go through what happened. But to sum things up, is that I am living with people who actually dont trust me at all.

What's home to me now, I am basically homeless. The place I dwell in is basically just a box for shelter, for safety, but it doesnt give me the feeling of home at all. Everyday, I woke up as early as possible so that I could get out of the place as soon as possible. I dispised looking at their faces in the morning. Then everynight, it feels like a drag to even leave the studio and take the bus home. I don't want to go back to that house, if I had a choice. Everyday I come to face my aunt and uncle, everyday I had to swallow the looks they spit on me. I felt like I am inhuman. All they think about me are bad things, that I am spending money out there, that I do drugs, that I showed my Mum a fake academic records, that I wag classes, that I mix with the bad crowd, basically anything that you can think of. Just because I had to stay at studio and get things done, just because I had to stay overnight sometimes to work on my design.....and there they get ideas that I am doing something bad out there. I am so sick of the dramas they are giving me. I don't have a car, and it'd be such a trouble to carry things home by bus. My bus ride home take half an hour for fucks sake and I'd have to carry my tool box and folders down Albert Park and up Victoria Street. Who'd do that??. Even if I do, they'd complain too much that I mess the house up with all the drawings and models. I mean "WHAT THE FUCK", now you tell me that I mess up the house, but if I stay at studio to get my works done, you say I am doing bad things out there. What's worst is that they preach me more that my parents do. They basically have comments on everything that I do, and that I had to follow basically everything that they do. If they wake up at 7 in the morning, Id have to wake up too, if they eat, Id have to eat too, if they watch TV, then I will have to sit down and watch with them as well. WTF? When I'm home, I mean my home, I can do anything I like. If i want to sleep, then I'll sleep, if i want to watch TV then I'll watch, and if I dont feel like eating, I'll tell my mum that I dont want to eat. Its as simple as that. But not here though. I mean of course I understand that I am living with someone else, which is not my parents so I will have to follow other people's house rules but I did, its's just that I hope that I could have a little freedom to what my body tells me to, like sleeping and eating. Of course I wouldnt mess up the room with cloths like I usually do at home, of course I will tidy my bed every morning when I wake up, which usually I wont when I'm at home. BUT all I wanted is my own little freedom. I am almost 21 years old. I am almost a MAN, in just few more days and I just want freedom like everyone else. A 21 year old dont get preached, no, at least not by other people. Its reasonable that my parents preach me around, but not by outsiders. What is going on. I dont understand anymore. Things just gets worst everyday. The more I live in that house, the more depressed I am. Probably that is why I spend my time in studio most of the time. Because I studio feels more like home to me, though it is not even close to a home. At least there's noone to preach me around. The incident happened about a year ago with them really breaks my heart. Its the first time ever, I mean first time EVER I broke down crying talking to my Mum. I just cant take what they said anymore and I have no one to talk to at that time so my Mum is the only one I can talk to but I always portray a strong, independent image to my Mum, so I must've freaked her out when I finally broke down to her. I dont know if anyone could understand my feelings but living under one roof with people who dispised you, who dont trust you is just sad. My mum always ask me to forget everything that they said, just bear with them for another few more years, but I dont even know if I could do that. Its getting harder and harder each day and it's getting more and more depressing each day. Sometimes I just wish Ive never come here so that I wouldnt have to go through all these. I had to remind myself, everyday over and over again that life is hard, but its beautiful, so that I could move on each day but I find it really tiring. I wonder if I dont do this for one day, what would it be.

I am now in NZ, and I'm probably going to spend another few years here and it bothers me so much just beacuse of them. I guess things will be better when I move out, perhaps, and then I'll be happy again.

It's time to open up the memories of your past,
and it's time to move on,
It's time to open up the shadows of your heart,
and it's time to move on,
Cause it's a great time to love,
and it's a great time to stand up and be counted,
And it's a long long road to carry on,
I gotta stand up to be counted on,
and it's a long long road,
now I got to be strong.
............Stand Up, The Feelers, Playground Battle