[Beaker] 2005 >> The Year of Chocholate Cake with Cow Dung Topping

This post has been in my draft for quite a while now and I was going to post it during New Year’s day but never got to finish it and as far as I could remember, it has been a long long time since I posted anything at all about my life, mainly because I haven't been inspired lately and beyond that my life is just dreadfully boring so I'd rather not write about it really. But afterall, the whole idea of a blog is really, a place for you to whine and brag about how miserable your life is, and yes I am going to do that now, and hopefully this is going to be my longest post to date, I hope although there really isn’t much thing to write about but I guess I'd like to do that once in a while to remind myself how fucked up I am.

So, the thing that I really want to write about is the year of 2005, pretty much like a review of my life in, mostly events that happened in 2005 that had effects upon my life, big or small and some new year's resolution (does anyone actually believe in New Year resolution anymore?). Well speaking of 2005, it has been a pretty fucked up year I suppose and there really is a lot to whine about but I'm not into reporting every single detail of it simply because it is going to take me ages and most of it are not that interesting really. 2005 has been a awfully shitty year for me with some twists of amazingly good times, to name a few, my depression has gotten a lot worst up to a point where I had to see a psychologist, which frankly it doesn't help one bit.


You see, I don't know why I always think my life sucked because sometimes it ain’t that bad but I guess the truth is that it really sucked. Up to this point of my life at the age of 21 turning 22 in matter of 4 months, I honestly had no idea what I want for myself. I have no serious plans for myself because every single plan that I had will seem to completely turn itself into a rathole. All I know is that I wanted to graduate and make lots of money. It's pretty naive I know but if any of you are actually living my life, you'd probably see where I'm coming from. My life hasn't been all great. Living with my aunts for almost 5 years is a joke. I'm surprised that I haven't go berserk. There are several times that I did went a little crazy with all the fuss that my aunts are giving me but I guess one person could only take that much before they snap and I'm pretty sure that will happen pretty soon if I continue living under the same roof with them. So my plan is really to graduate and get myself a job with reasonable pay that'd allow me to get a place myself.




2005 also saw me getting closer to a lot of people mostly in Architecture, closer almost like family, people which I can rely on and who have been there through my ups and downs. I guess that's the only reason why I felt so reluctant to leave the school. I am going to miss these people awful lot and it's depressing just to think about parting ways. Also I can say I've met the most amazing people in 2005 (not to mention some nasty people too), and these people actually taught me a lot about myself and more or less changed how I perceive this world. And so with this opportunity, I'd really like to thank those people (you know who you are) for being there for me and share my joy and burdens. I wouldn't have made it through 3 years in this school without you guys and also sorry for having to put up with my attitude. Two of my friends left Auckland; one is Ally, a very good friend of mine who went to Wellington to pursue her dreams in Industrial Design and Brian who went back to the Canada (for good). Ally has been one of my closest friends in Auckland, someone I could share all my problems with without being judged in any way. I have managed to meet up with her in Wellington in July when I went there and then; I realized that how much I missed her. I thought maybe it'd be awkward to see her after like few months and I was actually worried that we've got nothing to say to each other but once we sat down at the bar we just started talking like good ol times and that feeling was really great. Brian was another friend that I missed tremendously. Someone who have been there most part of my life in NZ and had helped me through some pretty rough times.



Being in architecture and my over-obsession with design has paid off well; I was awarded two prizes on 2005 Annual Prize Giving Ceremony for my result in Design 6. I also won the 2005 AAA Cavalier Bremworth Design Awards together with few other winners. It was really an amazing experience. Having recognition for the works that I've done is more that anything I'd wished for and it is truly a blessing that I didn't expect. But please don’t get me wrong. I’m definitely not trying to be hoity-toity here, I just felt that I need to mention this because this is the only good thing that had happened to me so far. But of course, the good old saying, good things always come with a price and I have to pay for the prize. My over-obsession is getting to me. It's almost irritating and my life basically revolves around design. I am basically swooned with all the sleepless nights and over dose of coffee and No-Doze. Other than design, I don't know what else to do. Also it's giving me a severe depression and I can't seem to do anything to help it. I tried to do other stuff but I just wouldn’t distract me. All I think of is design this and that and it's giving me a headache. It's almost like Leonardo DeCaprio in the Aviator. His obsession with taking the world with his airline has turned him into a mad man. The only difference between us is that I haven't gone mad and seriously I am very worried that one day I'll go out of my mind.



And there goes the love question. Does anyone actually talk about love anymore because it seemed like such a cliché topic to talk about these days and it's probably the least likely topic that I will ever post and I think this is only as much as I'm going to write about my love life. Well I think I have fallen in love. Maybe not. I'm just not sure. You know those scenarios in movies where two people got together purely because they are sick and tired of being lonely and in the end they just end up breaking up because it really isn’t what they wanted. Maybe that is how I feel now, maybe because I am lonely and needed someone, but then I have this strong attraction towards this person right now and it's making me uncomfortable. I hate being in love with somebody knowing that I wont have them. The last time I felt something for somebody was a hell of a nightmare. I don't really know how to describe the feeling. It's like a bad addiction that you so want to quit but never seemed to be able to. And then it's a huge distraction really that keeps you from doing anything at all. My mind would just wonder to somewhere where I'd be with that person and it's gross. And the truth is I don't know if I am capable of loving someone fully. I’m a little bit similar to Narcissus, someone who is emotionally numb but I am definitely no narcissist becauseI hate myself so much that I wished I am somebody else. But I really am envious of my friend Garret and his long time girl-friend. I have seen him courting the girl to them being together. It is really such a blessing that two person that should be together be together. But anyway, my point being I really envy those good old loving couples because I don't think I can ever love someone fully. My relationship last year was a mess and since then I am totally fed up, and I boy did I HUNG UP!. But anyway, just because Christmas, and the weeks following it , I have been totally confounded it this unfamiliar feelings, and it’s driving me crazy. I really don't know how to handle this. I certainly hate rejections, but neither I am ready for a commitment, hell I can't even take care of my own needs. I can't do this anymore.


In the year of 2005, I also saw myself standing on the biggest cross-road of my life, like what I have said on my last post about making decisions. Looking at the cross roads, there weren’t many choices for me but each of them are tempting, each of them are life-changing choices that no matter what I decide, there will be consequences. It’s either that I live my life in shadows of regret or I end up hurting somebody else. I often felt conflicted with myself and constantly find myself in dilemma. I don't know why. It is actually getting harder and harder for me to make decisions because I'd be saying this one minute and thinking about the other thing the next minute.

Well if there’s anything that I've learnt thus far, it was indeed just one. 2005 saw me taking extreme, blatant actions, I took up upon the challenge to take a walk in the dark. It was one of my darkest and scariest experiences ever in my life and I’m glad that no one ever had to find out because it was nothing to be proud of. That few weeks had been a torture like a macabre ghost stories, the shadow of doubts followed everywhere I go under the light, and the ghost would hunt me when the night falls. For better or worse, I stumbled and fell, picked myself up with several lost bits of my inner-self along the way, picked up some new knowledge to fill in the missing pieces, and a layer a new skin. I have learnt great deal of lesson, with a sacrifice. Back then, I can’t stop blaming myself for what I have done and that it should be my last time, I should have know better but in retrospect, without the lesson, I would never know when to stop. So I am glad I did.

So there was my 2005. Am I looking forward to what 2006 had to offer? Not really. My intuitive heart told me that 2006 is not going to be sweet. Plus I always felt that 2006 sounds kinda awkward. It’s like somewhere between a borderline and a threshold. I just want to live past 2006 with perhaps less trouble, less thing to occupy my mind and to improve myself. Either way, I am as ready as ever to improvise what lies in front of me. I guess the whole idea of a new year is something for you to start over or maybe a time for a change. But seriously I have no idea what is there for me to start over or change. Every year, I'd swear to god that I'm going to do this and that but it just never happened. It's is just me that can't keep up with a commitment or what I don't know.




Au revior


Soundtrack of the post: Live Forever - Oasis

Please note most photos are from Alien. I can't remember which and which.