[Beaker Thoughts] Counfounded Fool

How often do we get a chance to make a decision from choices available without having to squeeze out every ounce of brainjuice thinking what if, what if, and how often do we get the chance of not hurting anyone (including ourselves) because of the choices we make, and how often when we come to a cross-road and just having the moments of capre diem and just go the way our heart tells us to? For me, it doesn't seem to happen very often. It always occur to me that whenever I need to make a decision, big or small there is always obstacles or other fussy things that keeps me from deciding. It's like when I have made up my mind about this, then there is some other temptations telling me to switch plans, or when I am pretty sure I'm going to do this, the some shit came up and got me analyzing the situation again.

Now I am the kind of person that over-analyze thing, every single detail, every single possibilities and I am really sick of it. Often if not always, I found myself got drown in a chain of never ending thoughts that got me to nowhere, and that never help me making a decision only to make the matter worst.

Also when come the time to decide, I always find myself procrastinating, I don't know why. Maybe I am afraid that the choices that I've made would cause me regrets, or maybe I am trying to avoid making a decision so nobody get hurts. There is always going to be something involve in the process what somehow blind me from seeing what is the most important thing that I should consider.

So it got me thinking, really thinking, how do we know the choices we make are the right ones? I'd be glad if someone could kindly provide the answer to this question but I guess probably no one could. And so yes I have heard the word from the wise, like every decisions or choices that we make will have impacts upon over life regardless how it changes it, but it is always important to learn from it, good or bad. I see. But what if, there are time you need to make really important decisions that might turn you life upside down, only to realize it after the decision has been made, there is not turning back? Well sometimes we need to make difficult choices. Says who?

Somehow I always have the tendecy to think that if I don't make the decision or wait it out, things will eventually work out anyway anyhow. I don't know. I cannot live all my life avoiding making decisions. If not now, ten years later, there might be something bigger than this that needs my attention. I am sick of feeling guilty that every decision that I have made will eventually hurt somebody. I am all fed up with all the pleasing that I have been doing all this while. But of course who know myself better than I am, all of this bull crap I'll-do-something-about-it ranting is only for now,I just thought I need to release some sort of injustice in me. Comes tomorrow, I'll forget all about what I've set myself up and start worrying about making decisions again.

Fuck, I hate feeling like a wuss, but at the same time I kinda can't help it. I tends to get all jittery.

Lets just hope that everything will work out just fine.

Soundtrack of the post: Fuck Forever - Babyshambles