It's Not Supposed To Be Easy

I am feeling: I cannot feel anything

Me: Hello uncle, I will have to go back to Malaysia in less than two weeks.

Uncle: What, why?

Me: I had to go back.

5 seconds....silence

Uncle: Why don't you come over tomorrow for dinner and we will sit down and talk over it?

Shit....



I honestly cannot think of a single word to describe my feelings right now. Angry? Maybe. Numb? Yeah. So there you go, I made my decision and there goes the big pile of shit thrown in my face. So I guess it's not supposed to be easy.

I don't know what had gotten to me today, when I was on the train on my way back to the city from Manukau, I started crying. My tears just flows down so naturally I cant even control it. Then somebody came and saw me.

He had the "Should I go over and ask him is he alright or should I just pretend I didn't see him" kind of look on his face.

"I'm fine" I said.

He gave me a smile and went on with his business

Maybe because I was on the train? I always have this melancholic emotion when going on train. It always gave me the idea of leaving, you know, leaving a place or leaving something behind. Actually it was Sam who taught me to read events as premonition. Like maybe my crying on a train is actually seeing myself leaving something that was important to me. That idea scares me. I tried to analyze it and I can only come up with one thing. Death. I have been thinking about that word lately. It's not that I see dead people, but I am constantly thinking about dying. The chances that I am going to commit suicide? NON, but I won't deny that the thought of it had crossed my mind many times but I am nowhere near of commiting it. People said commiting suicide is the most selfish act that anyone could perform. I agree to that but who cares, once you are dead, it's not your problem anymore. Hell you don't even have to feel guilty for being selfish right.

No matter what the excuses are for commiting suicide, it's a mean of escape not an answer but for me, I don't want an answer because it hurts and I would love nothing more than a great escape from my life. If it happen to be an optimist-reader out there, I bet you'd think that I am crazy and my problem is not worth commiting suicide but I don't think anyone at all could understand my pain. It's not just one single problem that I am having here. I am talking about one big pile of shit staking up since I don't know when and I can almost feel that I am going to snap.

I really want nothing more that someone, just one person who could understand how I feel and trust me. I could almost imagine myself drowing and reaching for help and only to realize there is no one out there to answer my call. I don't want to fight anymore. I've given myself to darkness.

Everytime I make a decison there is going to be somebody pointing fingers at me, judging my choices and questioning my intentions. I am so sick of this that I have lost all my faith in myself. I don't trust my own judgement anymore and I start to question my every intention. I start to question my place in this world. I start to question everything that I do. Every single thing. Does anyone have any idea how hard is it to live a life when the only person you can rely on; YOURSELF turns it's back on you? This is exactly how I felt. Like some body sucked up my soul and left my flesh empty with nothing. Nothing but emptiness. Words can't describe. It's not numb, it's beyond that, like I've lost all my senses, lost all my inner-self and what you see is what you get. A living flesh with nothing inside.

I really want to be happy but I don't know how.

I really wanted to get over this storm so I could look back and say "Yes I have stood in the pain of cold" but I don't see the black clouds clearing soon.


Song of the Post - Set Yourself on Fire - Stars