Hour Glass.

I'm back. Again. Oh crap.

So much to say, so little to utter. Which is it?

It actually felt a little peculiar, sitting here at this time trying to think about things to say, although over my hiatus, I’ve collected enough blogging material to last for the rest of year. I feel guilty for some reason for abandoning the blog over and over again, at some point I was actually considering calling it quit and shut the whole damn thing. And yet, such irony, I found myself sitting still for almost an hour trying to come out with something to write as my mind went totally blank on me. I've forgotten how to write. My fingers dabbing the keyboards, I was trying my best to familiarize my words. The way it used to be. The way things should be.

Six months, gosh. What have I done? I’ve been fermenting. Dust would've settled over broken pieces of glass, and I was naive enough to think that time would actually fix things. I’m pretty exhausted myself trying to pick up pieces and putting them back together to be honest.

I agree that my inconsistency, in the most fundamental way has a lot to do with me constantly being in a state of discontent about things that went on around me. Don’t get me wrong. I do believe that there are briefs moments when life seemed full of promising possibilities, and if I ever felt so optimistic about life, it would’ve been at some point in the past six months.

Much like a long trip down dreamland, where life seemed possible of endless joy and happiness. Dreams, they are free. That’s the best thing about it. It does not require truth nor beliefs, all you need is a little bit of imagination and determination, you would be living well off in wonderland. And yet the worst part about it? Dreams, they live in murky waters. It’s and assumption and desire far fetched from reality. It feeds itself on dissatisfaction in the real world. And often times it blinds us from seeing past the surface. At some point, those undefined possibilities would eventually turn into unanswered questions. Being too comfortable in some situations is often a sign of things falling apart.

Having that said, I’m contemplating over and over again whether I was being too comfortable with where I am right now. But the growing contentment would only be immolated by the abstraction of unimaginable destruction. I’ve gone through changes, good and bad, but like they say, all changes are good changes. I do believe so. And now changes have brought me down, sinking further into my own mess. Which is good, it’s good in a sense I’m checking myself back into reality rehab.

I'm back for now, though I'm very skeptical how far I would endure before things would start to bend around the corners. As far as I know, I'm broken beyond repair, and yet I find myself drawn to the idea of disjointed and fractures. The beauty to this is within the broken piece. You won't break something that is already broken. Would you?

Time. It doesn’t fix things; it dissipates little pieces of broken memories until it become too small for it to matter, small enough to slip away from our life.

2 x 4

My predicament would not hold true, if the moon hasn't exploded the night before, had the sky filled with dark, dense clouds, moving swiftly as the wind blows. Chasers traverse across the highway like lifeless flesh, succumbed to the ephemera of darkness.

Oh it's the tantrum in Orexia again. The invisible walls would falter come night falls as miasma of fears emerged into the thin air like a contagious virus, as fire burns, hatred grieves the wall, it was bedlam.

Spreading across the forlorn shore are the faint traces of your existence, as if you had been walking in the air, caressing the ground so softly with the tip of your shoes. Scrapping palm tress and the sound of bushes reassured the inscrutable occurrences, the growing feeling of guilt and uncertainties, so disturbingly abstruse, so disturbingly real.

Maybe, Tomorrow,

I have a journal hidden under the desk for almost two years now.

I always chose to leave empty the first page before I start writing, thought I don’t exactly know why but I always did, so much as I would leave empty the first page of a new exercise book, so much I would leave empty the first page of a new drawing pad, much like how I would leave empty the part about me to people around me. It’s a gesture, it’s like the only thing that I could control, and what is going to happen beyond that blank page would be an arcanum waiting to unfold itself. Though I’m not sure, I’m not sure…

I don’t keep journals anymore.

Like, ever since I realize the whole point of keeping a personal record is a form of addiction and crave for nothing but self-pity. I don’t have a lot of time for self – pity because I think I’ve had enough of myself and I am constantly wondering how people put up with me everyday. I have always thought I’m paranoid. If you read my journals, you would know. I would write my entries so detailed down to every single bit of information but in such a vaguely manner so that if someone happen to stumble upon my journal and read it, they would have no idea what it was about.

I think I am emotionally inert when it comes to the relationship department. The idea of closure to me is like a ticking time bomb and I would be the detonator that sets if off. It freaks me out all the time. I carry a past with me that I am not willing to share with people even those closest to me because it would’ve made me vulnerable. No. It’s not okay. But what worries me the most is the idea that I would drive someone I cared so much away if I won’t be able to share everything.

I am missing someone terribly right now, yes.

I hate to admit that because I find it hard to digest all the things that have happened at the speed things are moving right now, and most of it, I hate to think that I’m missing someone for all the wrong reasons. Sometimes, it’s hard to put your mind on things that turned out too good to be true. It can be good, I think it’s a good thing, and I wanted it to be good but my prescient at work is telling me this would probably end up in a self-destructive heart-breaking way. Honesty, I hope that things would work out because it would finally give me something to look forward to.

I am ideally romantic, (behold your nausea, not the candle-light-dinner-romanticism, but you never know what I am capable of.) That said, it’s probably the perfectionist inside me that has gotten the best of me. I have a beau ideal inside my head of how things should work out, stubbornly adhering to my very own idée fixe that is, at times further from the reality. So when things start to turn out a little off the meme, I would get paranoid, distract and lost. And because of that it would only be legit if I were slightly delusional. That is also why I am a naturally talented cynical pessimist who doesn’t believe in miracles. I cannot be optimistic when I don’t know how things are going. I hate to start something, because I don’t know where I would end up and I know as soon as I embark upon the ride, I would start thinking about the terminus more that I would have been enjoying the process. It isn’t like airplane rides where it takes you from point A to point B with interstice of nothing but air and clouds.


Oh, I am writing this, I’m not sure why, and I don’t know where I’m going with this. I hated the feeling. It had to go somewhere, it had to make sense. It’s not making sense, it’s not making sense, it’s not making any sense….. it’s not mak…..

One, Two, and Three.

It's Broken Beaker's 3rd Birthday.

Holy fuck, I've been keeping this damn blog up for 3 years now. That's pretty amazing I must say.

KARMA IS A FUCKING BITCH

I feel like I have been stalked.

Tonight, while I was at a friend's birthday dinner, someone decided to send me some anonymous text messages, and the content of it went pretty ugly, which at some point in the text exchange it involved some mother-fucking and father-fucking, and I find myself seriously bugged by this mysterious textathone the entire night.

First of all I hated it when people send me random messages and not disclosing themselves. I am not saying I get these messages all the time, in fact it had only happened once a year or something like that and I usually get over it pretty quickly. The thing about it is that it's actually quite scary when that person that sent you those random messages sort of know a little about you and they make damn sure in the text that you know they know you so that it lingers and fucks with your mind a little. It's like someone who has been so horny but hasn't got laid like in a million years decided to get off by mind-fucking you, and then cum all over your brain. It's weird and it's my problem too because I love to mind fuck people too, which then you could probably tell how much fun I have been having with my hand lately and karma has this sort of crazy way of getting back at me.

But then that's the thing with people, they never get confrontational. No one really ever go 'Hey you know what? I really hate you and your silly humongous ass and you know what I have been hating you all these years, there you have it' although I find that most people love phrasing 'If you've got something to say about me, you better say it right here in my face' without having to realize that the truth actually shrinks their balls. What most people would do is that they sneak behind your back and throw a big bitch-fest for you, and haven't we all done that ? oh, it was so much fun. Not that I enjoy confronting people, mind you. All I am saying is that I hated it when people starts going all psychological bullshit with me and fucking with my thoughts, I hated it when I couldn't find a solution to an answer, ultimately I hated it when something happened, I didn't know how it started or why it happened. It's like the kind of feeling you get in one of those pre-diarrhea moments when you feel like you need to shit real bad but it's just not quite there yet but it's getting there, but not quite. It fucking sucks.

I'm used to it though, it's just that it sucks to have let something like this ruined my entire night out and it sucks that I couldn't help myself to drop it and move on because every single thing people said about me bugs me. I wish I was one of those that doesn't give a fuck about what you said. I do, and I care a lot and that is why I am mentally fucked because imagine if 4 person said something bad about me in one day, my brain would've need to process 4 different incidents, 4 different things, sometimes when it's related, I just need to put it together to make sense but it's a lot of work to do. Like once in a while, people would come to me and say some really disparaging things about me, or my family or friends. Sometimes it ended pretty, sometimes it's sticky, and most of the time, I'll get over it. It's just how relationship works isn't it? While your having a wonderful relationship here, you are fucking up another relationship there at the same time.

Ah, how I hate dealing with all these mess.

The Obligatory New Year Post

Happy New Year everyone !

First post of 2008, isn't it worth celebrating ??!! Bah, I know I am one day late, but I feel it's necessary, or obliged to post one just for the sake of it. I just realize I never posted anything on new years day, so much for the anticipation that is but I'm always so immersed in my outdoor curricular with my friends, I almost never had the time to draft or write anything before hand so I could just hit the post button comes that day.

But whatever, I actually hate the period between Christmas and new years day, really, and I have no idea why. You know, other than fact that it's holidays and obviously, moving into a new year since I'm all sick of writing 2007 and couldn't wait to start writing 2-0-0-8 instead, I really don't know what is there to look forward to, and I really have no idea why is everyone making such a big deal out of it. I mean the countdowns, fireworks, the rave party, the never ending booze, gettin' laid and the hang over next morning. It's pretty much like if you don't countdown and don't get drunk means you are probably celebrating new year the wrong way.

But of course I defy. I just had to go out. Stay home every other holidays but not December 31st. No shit, not going out on the last day of the year sounds like a chronic social malfunction to me, unless if your having a party at home and having people over that is. But of course, neither did we count down nor get drunk, but I am 99 percent sure everyone else is. Oh, I did smoke a lot of cigarettes and coffees to keep me up all night though, so that cancels everything out.

So my new years celebration was awesome, not perfect but close, nothing new, just celebrating with a bunch of close friends in our hotel room, spending the night talking shits and laughing 2007 away. Oh, by the way, there was one big chunk of wood in the hotel room for reasons unknown. Obviously, wood do not speak nor know how to have fun so that really sucks balls. But other than that, our night had been all good, better than last year when two idiots decided to get on each other over a stupid parking lot. Nevermind that. I should stop being vague.

So review, 2007, damn I've got so much to write about I don't know where to start. And to be honest, I don't feel like typing it up because I'm really sleepy now and I don't see the point. 2007 haven't been as adventurous as 2006 I suppose, and by adventurous I actually mean crappy kind of adventure, so I guess that's a good thing. If 2006 was a loud crap, 2007 is kind of like a silent crap but still, it's crap, that kind of slow crap building up, little by little and becomes a big load of crap. I don't know if it make sense but 2007 had been surprisingly quiet, although it's not like it had been smooth sail, but things had gone a little low profile this year. Some misadventures, some bad decisions but I'm not feeling all that bad because I know I'm not the only one saying this. Oh my god, did I not mention the dramas ?, it's the prime time real life dramas. Man that was some intense shit, only if I could nominate these guys for Emmy awards, I would nominate all of them. I mean it's real life, real time dramas, seriously, you can't buy this shit anywhere.

And there is work, or career or whatever you call it to sound nicer or professional, had been pretty good too. Although I complaint frequently about work, I know I have learn a lot more than I have expected working in the company. I know my knowledge on the profession is still rather raw but I think I am moving in good directions. I am still learning new things, I am slowly jumping out of my comfort zone, slowly, but as long as I am, that would be enough because it's always nice to get caught up in a glimpse of hope, and with much blind faith, I hope things will happen for me this year.

So other than that, I found myself investing my savings on my hobbies: Photography and aquarium fishes. No regrets, I guess it's the only thing that could keep me sane all this time because non of these require any human interaction. Relationships make me sick. I mean, sick to my stomach sick. People fuck up all the time, I fuck up all the time, over and over again I don't know why I bother in the first place. I mean, the process of getting into it and the whole patching up thing is mentally exhausting and when it happen over and over again, at one point, I just feel like giving it up. I am short fused, relationship frightens me, in a way. I am comfortable with strangers because parting is easy, because we remain reserved and cautious. But when it goes deeper than the surface, things start to go wrong, when we let ourself off guard, demon craws, everything is doomed. I am way out of the topic.

I lost two dear friends in 2007 too, Matt and David. Our path crossed briefly but it had been wonderful and I missed you two more than ever. I have never questioned life more than I do today since the two of you are gone and it frightens me so much.

I'm getting a bit depressed so I'll have to stop here although I really do feel like retrospecting all of 2007 here because it's like a whole year worth of writing material but I am pretty sure I'll never get it done so just forget it, plus I don't want to spend too much time writing this up since I've got shit loads of stuff I need to sort out like my annual shitlist and annual album list yadda yadda, not like anyone give a shit anyways but I do take my annual review very seriously and I shall have them posted as soon as I get around to it.

Last but not least, I wish everyone a very happy new year and I hope 2008 will be a great year for all us. Too much shit has happened last year, so a Good Luck would be appropriate. All of us needed this.

Ta.

Once

You only need to be nice to people once to know that you really don't have to be that nice to people.

Why did I even bother when nobody gives a shit.

Oh, like so deep right ?

Untitled

You know what people say, keep your friends close, keep your enemies closer? It never ceases to amaze me what people do when they are desperate. At the end of the day, don't we all confide in those that shares the same fate ?

w . t . f .

Erm.

Hectic, hectic, hectic in deed for me, since I got back from my great escape to Singapore and Kuala Lumpur, which in fact, from the beginning of the trip, it has been sort of like an endless race with time, you know, like the show Amazing Race, which of course I'll go into details only if I have time, and I've got gazillions of photos from the trip to go with that.

Anyhow, it's end of the year, and tons of blockbuster flicks are coming out, basically on weekly basis, and wow, since I got back, I've been watching 3 movies in the past 3 nights, Warlords, I am Legend and National Treasure: Book of Secrets respectively. Again, it's end of the year, I've got plenty of lists to sort out and I'm currently digging every single flick I've watch in 2007 from my memory, and right now, I have about 52 movies in my 2007 list, which is my all time high and I'm just refreshing my memories which one really did it for me in 2007.

Hiccup In Singapore

In Singapore right now, going to Kuala Lumpur tomorrow. Don't jeles.

The Great Escape

Cut with Everyone
The Great Escape

Coming near you 11 December 2007

Press CTRL + Z to Undo

Don't we all just love the undo command? Every time I did something wrong, I just simply press ctrl-z and waa laa, I just undid the parts I wish to delete. But there are times when I was just so immersed in finishing my work only to realize that I've made a mistake somewhere along the way and finding myself pressing the keyboard like a mad man to find out where did I make the mistake. And by the way, did you know the amount of times you can undo on one application is actually based on how much memory that program is used to store the working history? Some let you undo 50 times, some let you undo 5 times, some doesn't even undo. And when you chances of undoing ended before you managed to recover those many wrongs, wouldn't you just close the application and start from scratch again? Or perhaps just leave it because you can't be fucked anymore. For me, both, depending on the scenario of course.

New Layout

I finally took some time to upgrade to Blogger's beta layout but it seemed like the layout isn't really compatible with Internet Explorer but works just fine with Firefox. I spent hours fixing it but it doesn't work, so I came out with the conclusion : don't use IE :)

Jealousy 101: What The Fuck is Jealousy!?

Here's an article I found on overcoming Jealousy, for those who have a problem with jealousy that is.

What is Jealousy?
by Susie and Otto Collins

Marianne Williamson says, "Everything we do is either an act of love or a cry for help." The Course of Miracles says there are only two emotions: love and fear.

It's been our experience that what's underneath jealousy is fear of one kind or another. Jealousy is about real or imagined fears--fear of abandonment, fear of loss of love, fear of being dishonored in the relationship, fear of being shamed in the community, unresolved issues from past relationships, lack issues, poor self esteem, cover or mask for things from the past that you haven't healed yet, vindictive or a desire for revenge that is misguided or misdirected toward someone else.

When jealous feelings come up, it's usually because we're afraid that we won't get our needs of one kind or another met. It's been our experience that when jealousy comes up, somewhere within us, we are crying out for help.

Jealousy usually seems to result from a couple of different scenarios:

There is "proof" or at least a strong suspicion that agreements and commitments between two people have actually been broken by one of them or …

It shows up when one person or both people in the relationship are very insecure in their relationship or in life. Jealous feelings come up with a partner, or others, whose actions haven't warranted it.

Whatever is going on--whether the jealousy is "warranted" or not--fear is at the bottom of those feelings and there's a lot more going on than what is on the surface. Until we look at those fears and begin to heal them, no matter what relationship we're in, jealousy will creep in again and again.

In their descriptions about their jealousy challenges, many people talk about "withdrawing," "getting quiet," "becoming numb," "saying things they didn't mean" and "lashing out." These behaviors are all ways to shield, protect and insulate themselves from the pain they are feeling inside themselves.

These things they are doing also create a serious impact on their relationships.

If jealousy is an issue in your life, we suggest that you try to understand your behavior and what's underneath it and then you can begin to take steps to heal it.

You see, ms Susie and Otto Collins, how can we develop feeling of jealousy when the relationship doesn't even exist?

Fickle

Despite the best intentions in the world, despite the sweetest promises made in moments of passion, people change, relationships drift and fade and people move on. This I know is true, and there's nothing I can do about it but to see it fall apart. I tried.

Remind me next time if I stand too close, sometimes I get a little too comfortable.

That bitch in the office is seriously pissing me off.

Like today she went for lunch for almost two hours and I was left outside and I had to fucking call her to unlock the fucking door for me when she should be back at the office way before me. Apparently, bosses are out, and she should lunch for two hours, what a fucking twat.

The she is using office's recources for her own stuff, like printing her own silly things. Then she's one the phone whenever bosses are out. What pisses me off more is she is talking so fucking loud and she could go on for hours. Oh, it's really amazing that she could just hang up in the middle of the conversation when she hears the gate open, when boss is back. Also, she would sit and online as long as bosses are out, she's on MSN, she's on gossips website, she's on friendster, and when bosses are back she would so gracefully dash back to her own station. She's also got problems with English songs because she's Chinese educated and she hates English songs mainly because she can't understand engrish, but sadly in the office we play English songs and she would make this sound like she's really annoyed like sighhh and haiihhhh and once everyone is out, she'd turn the main speakers off and start blasting her stupid Chinese songs. Oh did I mention she can't sing for shit?

That's not it. She squeaks. All.the.time. I'm not kidding, it's like she's on this constant orgasmic mode. Plus she's like the ugliest bitch in the world and when she squeaks, I'm all like jeeebuss, just imagine Zaha Hadid orgasm. Yeah, I know, it's so bad. You know, she's all like Ugly Betty, they are both really ugly and they wear braces and shits but difference between Ugly Betty and this ugly skank is that at least Betty is really sweet, this ugly skank is one bitter mothefucker. One word: grotesque.

Further from the truth, are we?

I realize that telling lies is the hardest thing to do ever, despite the fact that sometimes we lie only because it is necessary to protect ourselves, but really, most of the times we lie because we are just being way too nice to hurt other's feeling. Lie is just one form of betrayal. The worst kind because the intention of it is that you'll never have to find out the truth about it so everything could stay the same, a little less drama to deal with. But the scariest part about it is that when lies became the truth and when everything we thought were true is just a lie, where should we go from here? Should we just pretend this never happened, because there is always tomorrow to wash away today's lie, because when tomorrow arrives, we would just repeat our lies again until the day we get caught. Lie hurts, it really does, and sometimes it end relationships. I wish I could pretend it was all true and I wish my brain would just choose to believe the part that you wanted me to believe, then everything couldn't have been further from the truth. But, funny thing about telling lies it that we are bound to get caught, sooner or later, and when that does happen, it changes everything. Exactly what Haram had said 5 years ago "You betrayer". And just when you think I am referring to myself, think again.

USE YOUR BFF AT THE COST OF NOTHING!

We are so totally like BFF'S right, I mean you and me and like everyone. So we should really just fucking use each other, you know right, because that's like what BFFs do right? And it doesn't really matter what you ask for right, I am like so totally your BFF, I will just fucking help you realize your masterplan ain't it? And when it all went down the drain, I'd be at your side tell you the world is fucked up right, and there's always another chance, right? And you'd be like, you are so fucking right, I will not give up, because I'm so fucking desperate, right, and you'd be like, oh gosh, your totally my BFF, like FOREVER, right? And then, when I asked for your help, you'd be like, oh gosh so sorry, I've just been really so fucking busy planning yet my next fucking masterplan, and of course as your BFF, I really shouldn't stand in your way, right, and I'd be like, yeah it's okay, I'll just fucking ask my other BFF then because I've got plenty anyways, so it just doens't really matter which one I asked help from because as BFF's we really shouldn't be counting how much I've given and how much you've taken right, because that's so totally not something BFF do right? So like this is us, the BFF, we use each other for the love of god, for like there's no tomorrow.

Mother Betty is one of a kind. When you feel like you're alone and really emotional, Mother Betty will show you what emo really means, this guy is mother of all emos because he does not act like an emo, he is born natural emo. Other than that, Mother Betty is also a professional, majoring in Management. He can manage basically everything that is why he is the Mother of us all. Amen. Call 1-800-SELF-HATE

Loke, is like a football genius, but being great at football doesn't do you anything good right, coz it's his skill not your skill, unless your a football manager right, so unless you decided to become a football manager and have him play for your damn team, Loke has got something else for everyone to use. Now, the perk is that if you need someone to do a backdrop for whatever function, he's the guy your looking for. Like when your employee is getting married, or when your dog is dead and needed a decent tombstone, Loke could totally work magic on backdrops. Call 1-800-LOKE-YOUR-DOOR

Self-prolaimed Turbo Tiong, roams around the dark gate his white horse (Wira 2002), yes very fierce this guy is. He can be your furious driver, you know, like sending your kids to school, taking your dogs to the vet, he is naturally talented. He also possess the skills of equipment keeping, so if you need someone to be in the store all day long, this could be your guy, though, according to him, the store must made of see through glass because his face too engtau to be hidden behind concrete wall. Call 1-800-2-TIONG-2-FURIOUS

Weibro have some really hot connections with all the lions and lioness, so please use him to get you somewhere. This guy is just multi-purpose because his repertoire includes: conducting a meeting, be the president, or treasurer, or secretary, or anything you want him to be. Call 1-800-WEI-DON-LIKE-DAT.

And me, I'm the design guy. Yah I know, it's so lame calling myself that, but I'm pretty good at taking care of things that needed to be designed. Ask me to design anything, you know maybe the wallpaper of your dog's house, or what color scheme your toilet should be, you know, just anything at all . And please, feel free to take my design and trash it, now that's why I'm here. Call 1-800-TRASH-MY-SHIT

If you acquire all of our skills, feel free to use us at no cost at all, just because we are fucking BFF's, we should really just use each other. Thank You is not required at the end of our service.

and I am beat. off to sleep bitches, I don't give a shit too.

The things they say about him.

Burning candles glow stillness, melted ire and let-downs. Quietly, you flipped your book full of words printed on the warm aesthetic of the brownish paper. Held firmly in your left hand and being read in dim flickering light. It's the mysteries of powerless, it's almost primal. Was it really this easy, and simple for you. How could you have remained so clam, in the moment of utter kerfuffle.

Do you have a reminder for me, perhaps the leaves of silvery green would fall, and yet the night before, had the outlines of shrubs and towering trees gathered underneath the ghostly shapes of high clouds dim and illuminating. Have I been here before? Perhaps it was the sense of your presence and that strange warm sense of commonality.

And every time I think about it, my palms would sweat and my heart would squabble. At times, I would leave everything in disguise. Little pieces of torn up promises scattered across forlorn memories, flown and warbles into the dark skies above. Many questions left unanswered, much like yesterdays crosswords, despondent of filling in today.

Would you still dazzle, in your little world, when blood smeared on your face, when the light goes off, would you think about me? Would you gaze in the sun looking for the spotless dream, tampered within it's shell, basked in despair, tarnished in your pain and mangled in your great fears.

I still dream of you all the time. It started and stopped, started and stopped, like an endless loop, it was always the same but different, much like how everything looked the same in vivid blurry. I still talk to you, but only in dreams. I would forget what I said, but I knew I did. I could only reach you in my dreams, and it's the only time I feel real, and the only chance to find what I am looking for. And a dream is just a dream, it's as close as I could get to you.

At 4:51am, you quietly flipped to a newly unread page.

At 4:52am, when I woke up, the dream was over, and you were gone.

And so were we.

I still think about you everyday, I really do. Baffled by our existence, ringing the common buzz, still, I never understood why had to moon rose before the sun went down. Still I never understood why did you leave before we even get there.