I Haze U

I was going to be just a tad insightful tonight but I decided not to because the haze is so bad that my sight is compromised. So much for my attempt at making funnies. No. This has nothing to do with the haze, yuck, although I must say the air taste a little horrible these days. Yes, the haze is so dense it’s literally tangible and chocking up my lungs. It’s not exactly the kind of air I’d want to breathe all day. Oh, think about the people around me. They have been thinking exactly the same thing for years. Isn’t it great now that everyone’s a second hand smoker? People really should stop whining about those who smoke. But I digress.

I don’t get much work done these days. It’s funny because I’m literally swamped at work it’s driving me bonkers and yet I don’t get much done. When I say done, I meant getting things completed without having the hassle of following up at another time. Seriously, I do a lot, more than I ever had in my entire career. Like WHOA. But apparently, not enough to complete, and I am eminently depressed by it. It seemed like I’m engaging in some desultory tasks, one minute I’m doing this, just one step away from completing it, I get thrown another that requires immediate attention. I stopped, and I move on, then I get thrown another one, then some time during that, I’d have to go back and catch up with the earlier projects.

It’s confusing I know, and seriously, if one task takes at least a day to complete, three tasks would then require at least three days to complete, and that made me wonder just how many tomorrow can one have in one day because I get asked to do three different things in a day that is needed tomorrow. And if one would put a little effort in using common sense, they’d probably realize that it’s entirely impossible unless I have three tomorrows at a same time. Very interesting theory (Inner inner monologue). Some people really love to push it. That’s some world class stupid right there.

Oh, just forget everything. I’m one cranky bitch fighting off the mid-life crisis, and I’m only 25. Ever wonder why they call it premature?

Enough already.

KARMA IS A FUCKING BITCH

I feel like I have been stalked.

Tonight, while I was at a friend's birthday dinner, someone decided to send me some anonymous text messages, and the content of it went pretty ugly, which at some point in the text exchange it involved some mother-fucking and father-fucking, and I find myself seriously bugged by this mysterious textathone the entire night.

First of all I hated it when people send me random messages and not disclosing themselves. I am not saying I get these messages all the time, in fact it had only happened once a year or something like that and I usually get over it pretty quickly. The thing about it is that it's actually quite scary when that person that sent you those random messages sort of know a little about you and they make damn sure in the text that you know they know you so that it lingers and fucks with your mind a little. It's like someone who has been so horny but hasn't got laid like in a million years decided to get off by mind-fucking you, and then cum all over your brain. It's weird and it's my problem too because I love to mind fuck people too, which then you could probably tell how much fun I have been having with my hand lately and karma has this sort of crazy way of getting back at me.

But then that's the thing with people, they never get confrontational. No one really ever go 'Hey you know what? I really hate you and your silly humongous ass and you know what I have been hating you all these years, there you have it' although I find that most people love phrasing 'If you've got something to say about me, you better say it right here in my face' without having to realize that the truth actually shrinks their balls. What most people would do is that they sneak behind your back and throw a big bitch-fest for you, and haven't we all done that ? oh, it was so much fun. Not that I enjoy confronting people, mind you. All I am saying is that I hated it when people starts going all psychological bullshit with me and fucking with my thoughts, I hated it when I couldn't find a solution to an answer, ultimately I hated it when something happened, I didn't know how it started or why it happened. It's like the kind of feeling you get in one of those pre-diarrhea moments when you feel like you need to shit real bad but it's just not quite there yet but it's getting there, but not quite. It fucking sucks.

I'm used to it though, it's just that it sucks to have let something like this ruined my entire night out and it sucks that I couldn't help myself to drop it and move on because every single thing people said about me bugs me. I wish I was one of those that doesn't give a fuck about what you said. I do, and I care a lot and that is why I am mentally fucked because imagine if 4 person said something bad about me in one day, my brain would've need to process 4 different incidents, 4 different things, sometimes when it's related, I just need to put it together to make sense but it's a lot of work to do. Like once in a while, people would come to me and say some really disparaging things about me, or my family or friends. Sometimes it ended pretty, sometimes it's sticky, and most of the time, I'll get over it. It's just how relationship works isn't it? While your having a wonderful relationship here, you are fucking up another relationship there at the same time.

Ah, how I hate dealing with all these mess.

Once

You only need to be nice to people once to know that you really don't have to be that nice to people.

Why did I even bother when nobody gives a shit.

Oh, like so deep right ?

Untitled

You know what people say, keep your friends close, keep your enemies closer? It never ceases to amaze me what people do when they are desperate. At the end of the day, don't we all confide in those that shares the same fate ?

w . t . f .

Press CTRL + Z to Undo

Don't we all just love the undo command? Every time I did something wrong, I just simply press ctrl-z and waa laa, I just undid the parts I wish to delete. But there are times when I was just so immersed in finishing my work only to realize that I've made a mistake somewhere along the way and finding myself pressing the keyboard like a mad man to find out where did I make the mistake. And by the way, did you know the amount of times you can undo on one application is actually based on how much memory that program is used to store the working history? Some let you undo 50 times, some let you undo 5 times, some doesn't even undo. And when you chances of undoing ended before you managed to recover those many wrongs, wouldn't you just close the application and start from scratch again? Or perhaps just leave it because you can't be fucked anymore. For me, both, depending on the scenario of course.

That bitch in the office is seriously pissing me off.

Like today she went for lunch for almost two hours and I was left outside and I had to fucking call her to unlock the fucking door for me when she should be back at the office way before me. Apparently, bosses are out, and she should lunch for two hours, what a fucking twat.

The she is using office's recources for her own stuff, like printing her own silly things. Then she's one the phone whenever bosses are out. What pisses me off more is she is talking so fucking loud and she could go on for hours. Oh, it's really amazing that she could just hang up in the middle of the conversation when she hears the gate open, when boss is back. Also, she would sit and online as long as bosses are out, she's on MSN, she's on gossips website, she's on friendster, and when bosses are back she would so gracefully dash back to her own station. She's also got problems with English songs because she's Chinese educated and she hates English songs mainly because she can't understand engrish, but sadly in the office we play English songs and she would make this sound like she's really annoyed like sighhh and haiihhhh and once everyone is out, she'd turn the main speakers off and start blasting her stupid Chinese songs. Oh did I mention she can't sing for shit?

That's not it. She squeaks. All.the.time. I'm not kidding, it's like she's on this constant orgasmic mode. Plus she's like the ugliest bitch in the world and when she squeaks, I'm all like jeeebuss, just imagine Zaha Hadid orgasm. Yeah, I know, it's so bad. You know, she's all like Ugly Betty, they are both really ugly and they wear braces and shits but difference between Ugly Betty and this ugly skank is that at least Betty is really sweet, this ugly skank is one bitter mothefucker. One word: grotesque.

Further from the truth, are we?

I realize that telling lies is the hardest thing to do ever, despite the fact that sometimes we lie only because it is necessary to protect ourselves, but really, most of the times we lie because we are just being way too nice to hurt other's feeling. Lie is just one form of betrayal. The worst kind because the intention of it is that you'll never have to find out the truth about it so everything could stay the same, a little less drama to deal with. But the scariest part about it is that when lies became the truth and when everything we thought were true is just a lie, where should we go from here? Should we just pretend this never happened, because there is always tomorrow to wash away today's lie, because when tomorrow arrives, we would just repeat our lies again until the day we get caught. Lie hurts, it really does, and sometimes it end relationships. I wish I could pretend it was all true and I wish my brain would just choose to believe the part that you wanted me to believe, then everything couldn't have been further from the truth. But, funny thing about telling lies it that we are bound to get caught, sooner or later, and when that does happen, it changes everything. Exactly what Haram had said 5 years ago "You betrayer". And just when you think I am referring to myself, think again.

Hell NO!

Having 2 bosses is pretty much like, having two mothers, although I've never had two moms before, but I suppose it'd be kind of ummph and ugggh.

But of course, I'm referring to my bosses, I never know which one to follow, especially when one of them is never around and another one is always around. I always listen to the one who is always around, just because, you know, he is always around. But when the one that is never around, is around, I have to listen to him, because apparently, I'm like his bitch assistant. And most of the time, the two of them like to contradict each other.

So basically, more often than sometimes, I need to do my work twice, because usually, whenever I have questions for the one that is never around, he is never around, so I need to ask the one who is always around. But, usually, the one who is always around doesn't really know what sort of stuff I'm dealing with, since I'm not his assistant officially, but felt like he is obliged to answer my question, I usually ended up doing something totally different than what the one who is never around expect of me.

Usually, the one who is always around would tell me to just do it, or "It looked alright to me" and then, the one who is never around would usually go, "Wrong! Stop. This is not what I wanted, do you understand what I told you the other day?" And I was like, "but.......the one who is always around said...", but of course I never said this to either one of them, because, one thing I found out about bosses, in general, or people who wanted to become bosses, they usually developed some kind of tumor in their head called SNOB. First, they are never wrong, no matter how wrong they are. Second, they don't take excuses, like buts or uggh, they make everything looked like your fault, and they take credits for things they thought were good, ideas or designs for instance.

The thing is, doing things twice is fine by me, really, when my work schedules aren't too tight. But when both of them contradicts each other, and the client need to see the stuff - you know, any stuff at all, like in two hours, I feel like I'd rather just put a bullet in my head and die.

They have no idea how annoying this is, when it's practically impossible in every single sense in the world to get it done because the time they've given me to finish the whole thing is pretty much like asking me to shit and wipe my ass clean in 30 seconds. Imagine a concept, a full zoning plan, plus a design report with fancy pictures, and some serious writings no one gives a shit about, in two hours, and I'm not talking about some little cottages, I'm talking about something close to urban design of a Cultural center. It's funny because, people like them who have had years of experience still doesn't know how long it would take to prepare things like this. I mean, we all went through hell college, and we know how much time is needed to prepare finals. Cut the design process - it would've taken at least 2 or 3 days to come out with a barely decent presentation. Of course, there is always another option of presenting a D grade report, no worries, but I'd rather slit my throat than make myself do something so unimaginably horrid. It's just the kind of a shame I cannot deal with.

Give and Take 1 : 1

How many bees does it take to fill a jar with honey? Exactly how many strands of hair would fall on our shoulder when we think? Exactly how many grains of sand does it take to make a piece of glass? And just exactly how much do I have to give so none of us would ever have to feel any less?

I do not know what I could give you that you might need, but I feel the need to give you, even though you didn't ask because it is necessary, and because I know giving it would fuel our friendship. I do not want anything in return, although I have taken so much, and yet I wish I would stop taking, so I could stop giving. I do not want anything, when there is something that I must want. All I want is, us, together, at the end of the night, to be able to talk and laugh before we finish our day, and wake up in the morning, thinking that we are going to have the same fun again at night. It makes day at work goes past much quicker.

Biting dust

My body has finally given up. With all the sleepless nights that I have been going through for the past few months, I'm sicker than a sick puppy. Make any sense? Other than that, things has been little off for me lately, and thats probably why I have been abandoning the blog again. I'm not too sure what is going on. At times I feel lost. Work has been daunting as usual. I could never feel upbeat about it, it's pretty much the same thing everyday, rush, hurry, out of time, change and change and change. I feel like I could throw up in my mouth when I hear these words. I wonder why things would never get better. To be honest, I am really not entirely sure if I am really made for architecture. Things are just so different. What's worst is that I haven't been able to accept the whole idea of being somebody's bitch where I have to adapt to someone else's designing style. It's almost like Norah Jones doing Britney Spear's Baby One More Time. Let's face it, maybe it's a little bit about branding your own style, but when it comes to design, everyone loves to think that they have their own style. Nobody loves to bow down to other people, or adapt to other people. Why do you think EJ would get so pissed when people go about his design with Frank Gehry or Daniel Li-who. Being's people bitch is no fun, when its about controlling your creativity.

Damn, life sucks, but isn't why we love it so much. If life doesn't suck, then what fun?

In the mean time, sometimes, it doesn't really suck that much. Third installment to one of my favorite movie of all time, looking hot.